Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t have any hope for my life to get any better.

8 Comments

I know I’m supposed to have hope. I know I am supposed to have this belief that it will get better. But, I don’t.

I’ve given up expecting anything to get better, because it never does. And I have tried. I’ve been doing everything I can – counselling, educating myself, reading everything I can, being honest about myself, my past, my trauma, my emotions, my suffering. I was reaching out to others, but my passion for that is fading, along with my hope.

I can see me closing down the remaining social media, website etc. Reaching out to others, was my passion. But, now I have no passion for anything anymore.

I’ve given up. I can feel that within me.

My life is getting worse, not better. I’m too honest, to not see that and accept that. My life is increasingly painful and I don’t want to live it anymore. I’ve lived too much pain already.

Nothing is going to change the past. I don’t believe anything is going to change this deep and increasing fear I have within me. This intense, increasing and debilitating depression. The pain within.

I am existing. Not living. Or thriving.

I’m only existing, for my children.

When you have no hope, you have nothing.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “I don’t have any hope for my life to get any better.

  1. I’m really sorry you are having a rough time as you describe. It’s horrid isn’t it. I don’T know what to say as I’m having a terrible day In a similar space thinking similar things myself. It’s so tough isn’t it. So so very tough and it can feel pointless to keep trying. I want you to know that knowing I felt like I do today I came to your site thinking at least someone knows how it feels to feel like this. I feel so alone. I think sometimes I have to stop trying and just accept that this is SO shit. And as you say it feels like it will never get better. I have come up to bed and am just going to let go of trying, I’m so tired of trying. I want to let you know I am thinking of you and you are not alone. I hope things DO feel essier for you that you become filled with more hope. You deserve it so much. Thanks for all that you do. YOu touch so many people’s lives, you are so brave and so special. It must be so tiring for you too. Take care hugS to you in abundance xxx

  2. Lilly, I am so so sorry. Please know that I am here for you and will try to help in any way possible if you would like. I do believe that trauma often “gets worse before it gets better.” I have heard the same from other survivors as well. When the various coping mechanisms of denial, numbing, dissociation, etc. begin to fade, the fear, hopelessness, helplessness, shame, isolation, terror etc. at the core of trauma are felt more fully and it can feel truly unbearable. I wish you had an excellent counselor who could help you re-process these emotions and a stable environment to support you. Everyone deserves that. If I can help you in any way, please, please email me. Losing hope is an awful feeling and I don’t want you to have to feel it. Much love and support, Marissa

    • Lilly, what Marissa describes is so accurate.

      I’ve quit many times, then rested in the Void for awhile and then the Path opens in front of me & the next phase of healing begins.

      That’s my process.

      Trust Your process.
      You’re not being abandoned.
      It’s going to be okay.

      It helps me to think of this:
      “Opportunity disguised as loss.”

      Love & support is flying to you
      from all over the world,
      Julie
      Colorado USA

  3. Wanted to add that I don’t believe you’re “supposed” to feel anything (re: your statement about “knowing you’re supposed to have hope”. Your journey is yours and even though it’s heartbreaking to hear that you don’t have hope right now, I want you to know that I’m not judging that and no one else should either as no one has walked in your shoes. I think most survivors would be lying to say they never felt the same. Also, I just wanted to offer encouragement in saying that I’ve heard many others experience the “darkest night before the dawn” and just wanted to try to offer that perhaps you really are getting better in some ways because you are not numbing out but that it doesn’t “feel” better. Again, I’m not sure, I haven’t walked in your shoes and I don’t know. Just trying to offer the possibility of hope.

  4. Also, since trauma heals like an onion, it’s normal to feel these deep feelings of hopelessness, fear, shame etc. over and over and on different levels until it’s all fully processed (I’ve read from many trauma experts). I know you know all of this, I’m just trying to encourage you. I do have hope that it can get better for you, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling now. I hope I’m not saying anything that hurts or offends you. I am truly just concerned and trying to encourage/support/help/comfort. I think you are great and deserve the best.

  5. The light of God surrounds Lilly
    The love of God enfolds Lilly
    The power of God protects Lilly
    The presence of God watches over Lilly
    And wherever Lilly is God is there
    And all is well.
    Amen.

  6. Thank you to you both, I truly appreciate your messages and it is so kind of you both and such wise words too.

    ❤ ❤