I think I should be back on medication.

I know I am severely depressed, when I am thinking about death a lot. I’m not actively suicidal, but I’d like be to dead. The pain, suffering, grieving and depression is too much.

I don’t want to be on medication long term, and I wanted to off the ones I was taking over the last 2 years, because they were heavy duty ones that mess you up physically long term.

But, daydreaming about death and wishing you could be dead, increasingly, is not a place anyone should have to be.

I am realising how much rationalising goes on, about abuse and abusers.

I see ‘rationalising’ everywhere. It’s how people cope with the fact that severe abuse and suffering exists and those who cause it choose to commit abuse and enjoy it.

People rationalise abuse all the time, by creating reasons why it’s okay, or needed to endure it. Which is absolute bullshit. No-one ‘needs’ to be abused. It is not a blessing in disguise. It is not what God wants – He is a not a narcissistic psychopath who wants anyone to suffer abuse – for His purposes. And definitely not children to suffer. He is not a child abuser.

People cope by saying the abuse made them stronger. Without the abuse they wouldn’t …. blah blah blah. It’s all crap and excuses to make the abuse seem less evil, less horrendous. To give some ‘purpose’ to it, makes it easier to bear. It’s a way of coping. But, it’s still all bullshit excuses.

And I know this, because I used to rationalise too. Now I deal with reality, which is far harder.

At my last counselling session, she made a comment about how some people view (church) abusers as being people who can still bring others to being saved. Like abusive ministers, abusive church people. My immediate response was that is not okay to have that view, because the ‘good’ they may appear to do (which is not even them – it’s Jesus who saves people – not people), does ‘not’ make the abuse they choose to cause and the devastation they cause other people, okay.

Every day, I am forcing myself to participate in a life I don’t want to be living.

My days now consist of numbness, with some feeling of intense emotions, that overwhelm me – so I go back to dissociation. I have my own internal world I go to when really bad.

I live a double life. One in front of other people, and the real one.

I fake happiness around my children. I fake being different around other people. I fake being ‘better’ than I actually feel, in counselling. I do what is expected of me. I say what is expected of me. I act how is expected of me.

I’ve now given up on anything else. Life is easier when you just do what is expected. And I do, in a zoned out, emotionally disconnected way.

I am not society’s shallow concept of a ‘healing success story’.

Unless you are an abuse survivor who is continually positive, continually looking at the bright side and telling everyone how well you are doing and how strong you are…….. you are written off as weak, acting like a victim and a failure.

Society demands success, demands positivity, demands outer strength, even at the expense of lying and denying the truth. By society’s standards, and many other survivors, I am a failure.

I am honest, genuine and speak exactly what this journey can be like for many. There are many profound reasons why this journey is not an escalator ride up, is not about being positive and how to assume it should be, is unhealthy and wrong. Survivors are shamed in this way all the time.

Society raises ‘success stories’ up all the time, to show you what you ‘should’ be doing. Other survivors who claim to be healed – parade their stories as a success and an inspiration, telling others this is what they should be doing. They don’t stop and realise that may be their idea of inspiration, but their journey is different and should ‘not’ be compared, because there are countless reasons that affect healing journey’s.

Does the fact that I am not a ‘success story’ in society’s terms of success, make me failure? Weak?