Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I think I should be back on medication.


I know I am severely depressed, when I am thinking about death a lot. I’m not actively suicidal, but I’d like be to dead. The pain, suffering, grieving and depression is too much.

I don’t want to be on medication long term, and I wanted to off the ones I was taking over the last 2 years, because they were heavy duty ones that mess you up physically long term.

But, daydreaming about death and wishing you could be dead, increasingly, is not a place anyone should have to be.

I know medication can be needed for some people all their lives and I have no issue with that and I am a believer in taking medication when needed, for as long as is needed.

Part of me wonders if I need to grieve and deal with all my emotions, un-medicated. So I can really deal with them.

But, another part of me thinks I cannot go on the way I am.

I know I am severely depressed. As well as thinking about death a lot, I am numb a lot to cope. I know I am dissociating, isolating, withdrawn and I have no desire or energy to participate in anything I don’t ‘have’ to. I feel disconnected from everything. Even my children. I am increasingly just going through the motions as a mother and faking anything positive around them.

My youngest son has a school friends Birthday party tomorrow, and other mums I had recently started to get to know, will be there. But, I am so low, I’ve already told my husband I’m not going. I don’t want to see, talk to, or be around anyone.

I know nothing else is going to change or improve in my life, so medication seems the only option that may help.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “I think I should be back on medication.

  1. I totally understand this feeling. One day I thought stuff it I’ll take the pills but dammit I stopped myself or one of me did. med’s didn’t help me because of all the different dissociative states. Apparently different med’s work on different parts. Anyways if you need them to prop yourself up a little then go for it. I really wish I was there to bring you cake and coffee and flowers so you could just vent. Sigh

    • Yes, meds don’t suit everyone and I’m not even sure they will necessarily help me. I’ve still been suicidal in the past while on them all.

      I wish we lived near each other too, as it would be so good for both of us to be friends who ‘get it’. And be able to support each other more.

      I’m thankful to know you via the internet. I think sometimes people who live far away, can know you and understand you better, than those physically in your life.

      ❤ ❤

      • I think i got more suicidal on the meds lol. Well i went around telling people. Which i never do. I’m sad you sad. Hope you have an Ok day tomorrow. Remember to look at the angel pic i made you that time. X

  2. I totally support you and anyone else going on medication when needed…and it sounds like it is definitely needed. I’m so sorry you are wishing you were dead. That is an absolutely horrible place to be in. Just wanted to offer that in my experience and belief, medication can actually help you be able to process emotions by increasing your tolerance for the anxiety and depression that comes with those deep emotions. So, in my opinion, I don’t think it would hurt your healing process as I don’t think you are someone who would then ignore what needs to be processed in proper therapy. Just a thought – I support you either way and know you will make the decision best for you!