Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

To heal severe complex trauma, you need to be in safe, healing relationships. I don’t have this.


I’m not in safe relationships. I am not in a safe relationship in my marriage, or in counselling. Both for different reasons, but the bottom line is I am not safe. And I don’t have anyone else.

My life is fear, anxiety, vigilance, depression, grieving, dissociation, aloneness, every day. I am not healing.

I am not safe. I am not in relationships where I can trust. I am not in relationships with anyone who cares about me. I am not in healing relationships.

Healing severe interpersonal trauma caused by parents throughout childhood, requires growing trust and safety within healing and healthy relationships in adulthood. As per many trauma experts, including Bessel van der Kolk.

I am very aware of all this.

And very aware, I don’t have what is needed, to heal.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

17 thoughts on “To heal severe complex trauma, you need to be in safe, healing relationships. I don’t have this.

  1. Me to and it sux. I’m sorry you going through this. I wish you weren’t.

    • I’m so sorry you re going through this too ❤ I don't want this for anyone.

      I think it's a deeper level of awareness. I am aware the core issues of severe interpersonal trauma in childhood, don't just go away over time.

      Those core wounds need to be healed within safe, trusting relationships, with people who genuinely care. Survivors who don't have that, will obviously not have those core wounds healing.

      For me, I see this clearly within my own life and is why I am actually getting worse.

      Not having healthy relationships to heal within, plus increasing understanding and pain of how badly all the trauma, has affected my whole life.

      It is a level of understanding as to what I endured, and what I should have had and didn't, all I have suffered and all the life impacting consequences of all that trauma, and what I still don't have. It all answers why I am increasingly in pain, and increasingly withdrawing from life.

      I think there are many of us, who don't have what we need to heal.

      And that truly breaks my heart.

      • Maybe we should just be each others therapists lol. Mine doesn’t quite get it eh. The other day she said why don’t I just call on another part of me when I have to have sex with my husband. She should be saying don’t have sex if don’t want. I wish we both had somebody. I do agree that it does make it worse. I mean I’m only 6 months in and have wanted to end it many times but having no support makes the idea seem so much easier to give up. Plus the headaches have worsened the need for other negative behaviors have worsened. I wish you had what you needed my friend. I know it’s shit and painful and debilitating but I have complete faith in you to still be here healing and that there will be good days for you ahead. X

  2. Wow, that is so not okay to suggest that as a solution to have sex. I am so sorry you were told that. There are deep reasons why sex is a very difficult area after child sexual abuse, and you are right that you do not have to have sex if you don’t want to.

    I don’t think therapists have all the answers and can definitely say hurtful and inappropriate things. I don’t think unless they have been through exactly what we have, that they ‘get it.’ Which does not help us. I understand how this feels.

    I haven’t got over mine saying abusive relationships can be ‘adequate’. She’s apologised for that – but it’s like – okay you may have apologised, but that doesn’t take away what you said, it means I know about the way you think now, which scares the shit out of me. The damage is done.

    It certainly does not help with the trust issues, which in turn does not help with it being a trusting, safe, healing relationship.

    I’m so sad for you that you feel so low and have the headaches, which are making it worse.

    ((((hugs)))) if you need them xoxox

  3. I am so sorry. And I completely agree with you, healthy relationships and safety are key to healing complex trauma. You, and every survivor, deserve this. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

    • Thank you Marissa ❤

      Yes, it is what we all need to heal, and I am so thankful for those who do, but very aware many don't have trusting healing relationships in which to heal.

      It is my hope that in sharing this, it helps others to realise they are not weak because they are not healing the way others may be…… there are reasons. Really deep reasons.

  4. I too, have no healthy relationships or coping resources. With no supportive relationships and no accessible resources, it seems like the only thing left to do is kill the pain. I thank God for your posts because I read them and know I’m not alone in feeling this pain – the pain that decimates me and renders me unable to function. Your strength, even though you may not feel it, gets me through the horrible now. Thank you.

    • I am so sorry you also do not have supportive relationships. It does greatly affect our journey and the pain we continue to endure.

      I think it is needed to acknowledge we don’t have supportive relationships to heal, and that we are not weak, we simply don’t have something crucial to the healing process.

      I think we are all strong, even when we don’t feel like we are.

  5. I’m so confused & angry about this.

    I prayed & asked over & over to understand whats wrong with me.

    God answered the prayers & I finally understand I have Complex PTSD & now see clearly the damage but have no resources for healing.

    Why is God providing the deep insight but no healing resources?

    Very confusing.

    • 😦 Julie, feel free to check out my nonprofit http://www.sheared.org and email us. We may be able to help you find trauma informed care in your area, especially if you’re in the US. (This goes for anyone. I’m so very sorry that so many people are going through this.)

    • I understand that confusion and anger. It feels like we are continuing to suffer, and feels so unfair. And I want to validate that, for you and me and anyone else.

      Do you have a trauma focussed therapist? If you find the right one, it can help. I do always advise therapy, with someone who is experienced in therapy. I do understand therapy is not possible for everyone though, due to financial issues. Not everyone is blessed with finances to afford therapy, or find quality therapy, but I always advise it, if possible to seek it.

      But, I am also not trying to say therapy is everything, or works for everyone either.

      I realise for me personally – I need ‘real’ relationships with people who love me and genuinely care about me, to heal. This being due to the severe abuse/trauma being caused by my ‘parents’ throughout my childhood. This type of trauma requiring specific needs and specific relationships in which to heal those core wounds.

      Our journey’s can be very different, depending on the trauma type, the severity of the trauma, who caused it, and more importantly the support we have in our lives now.

      And I am not minimizing all this, anymore for me, or for anyone else. I want to validate that.

      • I completely agree with you, Lilly. I just wanted to offer what I could for Julie if she did need that “resource” as I can’t offer the other needs. It truly makes me sad that so many people are suffering so very much and didn’t do anything to deserve it. If there’s anything I can do for anyone, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

      • And I really hope I didn’t come across as invalidating the other needs. I truly believe that safe relationships are crucial to healing trauma and even more crucial if the trauma is from childhood. Julie’s comment just touched me – as do all on this thread – and I only had a minute to respond so I thought I’d just put it out there that we may be able to help her find quality care (even without insurance potentially…we are doing that for someone else currently, and always at no cost to victims/survivors) and at least that type of healing relationship/resource.

      • Lastly, I also wanted to point out that I too believe therapy is just one of many needs…other safe relationships, stable home, etc. not to be overlooked at all. I just want to be clear that I was truly not trying to minimize or invalidate any of that or offer a “quick fix” and apologize if it came across that way in my short response. It is really important to learn more and more about how other survivors heal and what is needed especially in different situations and I am trying to do so continually. Sorry for all the posts, just don’t want any hurt feelings. ❤

      • Marissa, I appreciate you offering help to anyone who comments here, with resources and possibly finding a therapist etc. That’s why I’ve recommended you to others ❤

  6. Thanks so much, Lilly. I wrote you an email as well for a couple of reasons (no pressure to read it or respond right away, I just wanted to give you a heads up that it’s in your inbox.) Was very concerned that I may have offended you. I truly respect you and would feel terribly if I hurt you in any way. Much love and support.