Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Family time. A late afternoon walk along the seafront.

Went for a walk along the seafront with my family. It was nice to get out of the house and the kids enjoyed it – my 6 year old in particular loves splashing in the muddy puddles and the water. They enjoyed finding shells and playing Frisbee. We had a walk along the front. The weather was beautiful, the sky lovely and blue.

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Cried watching Dr Pamela Connolly interview Stephen Fry.

I’m watching a lot more TV lately, because it takes my mind off my own thoughts and my life. I don’t normally watch a lot of TV, but it’s increased since my internet use has rapidly decreased. I realise I have switched from one freeze trauma coping habit, to another.

Stephen Fry is a tortured soul, who was abused in his childhood, yet clearly by the interview he doesn’t see the fullness of that abuse from his father. He was also sexually abused by older boys at school and he doesn’t even see that as abuse, or the depth of the consequences of that. He’s so clearly in denial, as was pointed out in the interview.

He did talk about the voice of his father still haunting him and he is also clearly tortured by questions like did the sexual abuse as a child, lead him to be gay. How he has self hate and never feels ‘good enough’. But, it was so obvious at that time of that interview, his need for denial and minimization, part of his coping needs. I get it, I’ve been there in the past.

I get this denial. It’s so much harder to deal with the full reality, than to stay in denial. Now I do have more of an understanding of the severity and depth of the consequences and affects of prolonged childhood trauma, I am having to face the severity and depth of emotions that come with that.

One thing I realised though ….. whether you deal the reality, or run away from it, either way there can be severe depression. There can be wanting to be dead. There is deep pain.

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I have profound reasons to be very angry, yet I cannot allow myself to feel it.

I have many profound reasons to be very angry about all the abuse and trauma I have endured in my life. And the deep consequences.

I have every right to be angry at all the people who made choices to harm. Right from my mother, through to every person who has chosen to abuse me, hurt me, betray me, through to my current husband.

Yet every time that anger bubbles up, I suppress it. Because I have always been told anger is wrong. Especially anger at abusers. Plus I don’t want to be an angry person. It makes me feel like a bad person. Even when I do sometimes get angry at my husbands manipulative/passive aggressive/lying behaviours, I end up feeling pain and depression.

I know I suppress anger. I can feel it within me right now. But, I cannot let myself go there for long enough to be of therapeutic value.

I end up hating myself, for being angry. And wishing I could be dead, instead. The voices of the past haunt me about how being angry with them, is so bad of me.

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Deepak Chopra, it is clear to his family, who he really is.

I’ve always been sceptical of Chopra, as I am about most ‘guru’s and now I know why.

Just been watching a documentary about him filmed by his own son, where his family and those who ‘really’ know him, have very different views to all the famous celebrities and his devoted followers.

What was very clear from this doco was….. he is an egomaniac, his entire life is about gaining adulation from others. He even stated he believes he is always right. These are big ‘red flags’ to me.

It is clear from the doco he physically and emotionally abandoned his own family in many ways, in the pursuit of becoming a self professed guru. And he shows no empathy or remorse about that. It shows how he is controlling and a hypocrite.

The doco shows him becoming an ordained Buddhist – because it was ‘a dream’ of his to become one, yet he immediately rejects all their teachings and continues in his fame seeking, ego seeking, materialistic life, where his ‘followers’ are everything to him.

The doco shows he is obsessed with the New York Times best seller list and being high up it and this is probably why he keeps writing books.

His own mother stated he has always believed he is the centre of the world.

The doco shows him to be a complete hypocrite, who contradicts much of what he teaches. He teaches against the ill effects of materialism, yet charges $25,000 per lecture, and lives in a multi-million dollar home and drives a Jaguar, has many pairs of diamond studded glasses and is very rich. I can see why rich people are attracted to him. Rich people who want to proclaim some sense of spirituality, will always veer towards those spiritual religions, or guru’s (occurs in Christianity too) who encourage amassing wealth and materialism. Yet, Chopra speaks against this. Hypocrisy.

It was stated he is obsessed with the sound of his own voice and he can talk his way around anything. He talks a ‘good’ talk and doesn’t walk a good walk.

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Cardinal Pell set aside ten of millions for CSA compensation, years before the Royal Commission. Not a shock to me.

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/catholic-church-abuse-claims-were-anticipated-years-before-allegations-were-made-20150411-1mix8a.html

Cardinal Pell – former head of the Australian Catholic Church, has all the signs of a psychopath/sociopath. Pathological liar, no empathy, no conscience. Willing to hurt abuse survivors, traumatise them more. His conduct at the Royal Commission was very telling and proof of what he really is.

This latest news is even more proof that he knew the extent of child sexual abuse within the Catholic Church and yet claimed he only knew of a dozen complaints.

And this is not a Catholic Church-only issue.

Abuse is a huge issue throughout all denominations. All different forms of abuse.

Do most church people care. No.

Abuse victims/survivors, don’t matter.