Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I have profound reasons to be very angry, yet I cannot allow myself to feel it.

9 Comments

I have many profound reasons to be very angry about all the abuse and trauma I have endured in my life. And the deep consequences.

I have every right to be angry at all the people who made choices to harm. Right from my mother, through to every person who has chosen to abuse me, hurt me, betray me, through to my current husband.

Yet every time that anger bubbles up, I suppress it. Because I have always been told anger is wrong. Especially anger at abusers. Plus I don’t want to be an angry person. It makes me feel like a bad person. Even when I do sometimes get angry at my husbands manipulative/passive aggressive/lying behaviours, I end up feeling pain and depression.

I know I suppress anger. I can feel it within me right now. But, I cannot let myself go there for long enough to be of therapeutic value.

I end up hating myself, for being angry. And wishing I could be dead, instead. The voices of the past haunt me about how being angry with them, is so bad of me.

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself, they are wrong and how I do have a right to be angry with abusers, liars and those who made me suffer. I still cannot deal with the anger. I don’t have a way of verbally venting that, in a way that is validated and supported by anyone else, which I know is needed.

So it stays within me. A ball of tightness and pain, I cannot release.

The anger is internalised, into severe depression and pain within.

And it destroys you.

The abuse and the abusers, keep on destroying you, long after the abuse has physically stopped.

And this is just one of many reasons why they keep destroying you.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

9 thoughts on “I have profound reasons to be very angry, yet I cannot allow myself to feel it.

  1. I think it resides in most survivors like this because I deal with this hugely. I still blame myself. How fucked up is that. I can’t blame the abusers for what they did because that would be bad of me. Right? I can’t be angry at them. I never have been and even thinking about anger or starting to feel anger I dissociate. Poof gone.
    Hugs your allowed to be angry

    • I understand what you feel. Anger is such a hard issue for some of us to feel. And yet we need to and we have every right to. And need to.

      ❤ ❤

      I would rather be someone who finds anger hard to vent, than be like some survivors who vent anger often at people in an inappropriate, abusive way.

      But, not dealing with the anger needed, affects us greatly. Which is horrible for us.

      I'm going to have to bring this up in counselling. *sigh.

  2. I think the dissociating is such an inbuilt mechanism for coping, that it needs time to deal with. I think it will be an ongoing challenge and hopefully it will become easier to deal with when raising emotional issues.

    I guess trusting your therapist, will be a big need, for this to occur?

    • Probably. But the more i learn about the different parts of me the more open they are about coming out in therapy to talk to her. But it is so hard because I’m doing stuff and saying shit i don’t mean. Or remember. It’s horrible. Somebody else takes over. It’s so hideous i feel like nobody understands and I’d be better off dead. 😦

      • I can see how horrible that would be to be dealing with daily. The lack of control over what is happening would create a lot of fear too.

        I also understand how it feels to have no-one in your life who understands and the ‘better off dead’ feeling. I struggle with that and I do understand.

        I am so sorry it is so hard for you. I truly wish it was very different and we had far more average problems to be dealing with.

        ((((hugs)))) xoxox

      • Hehe me to like sometimes I’m also jealous that others only had 1 baby at a time. I had 2. And yeah the switching is horrible lilly. Horrible. I now realise that some of them have been with me for a long time. And some of them are mean. And i don’t want them to be. Some of them are only little. Aren’t even capable of doing the simplest things. Even my t doesn’t get it. She said the other day why can’t i call on one that likes sex when you have to have sex with your husband. It makes me wonder. Ugh this is so hard. I truly know your despair. Don’t forget please that your children have unconditional love for you. They cannot help with your problems but by jeez i bet they love you. That’s awesome cos your a great mum. X

  3. I relate to this a lot. I don’t generally feel anger or rage. That is reserved for “angry parts”. So as soon as my body starts to physiologically react and signal anger, I either switch or just start to cry. And then all of that emotion gets turned inward as self-loathing or cutting. It sucks.

    • I understand this Andi. I think anger is something so hard for us to deal with and for many reasons.

      I too either cry, or dissociate. And I often end up hating myself.

      It feels ‘wrong’ ‘bad’ to feel anger and creates fear, and our bodies and minds react fast to that fear.

      I don’t know to deal with this.

      But, I am always thankful that others feel they are not completely alone in dealing with this, and others do understand how it feels.