Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I need to learn how to live without love. Without healing, trusting relationships.


I know I don’t have what I need to heal. Complex trauma with significant childhood interpersonal trauma from birth, requires healing within trusting, healthy relationships to heal all the core wounds and damage caused by severe trauma/abuse. I have pretty much accepted I don’t have those relationships and the consequences of not having what I need.

Deal with reality and not denial or false hope.

I have to accept that no matter how terrible this is, and how I did not deserve my life, or all I have suffered and endured, or the situation I am now in ….. that I have to learn to live with it.

Stop wanting what I do know I deserve, but don’t have. Stop craving what I should have, but don’t have. Stop that deep yearning for people to love me and just accept no-one does.

It’s very painful to accept. It causes deep emotions, deep pain, deep grieving. Which is probably what I’m going through now. Deep grieving of that reality. But I know, it is the reality of my life.

Maybe this will become easier to bear over time. I don’t know and I am not putting any expectation on anything anymore. Expectation causes further harm, deeper grieving. It’s better to expect nothing.

Just accept what is.

Accept everything that I have already endured, and accept all the painful and profound consequences of it.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

7 thoughts on “I need to learn how to live without love. Without healing, trusting relationships.

  1. Don’t forget your children will always love you too the moon and back lilly. I really wish i was close so i could be there for you. It sux shit being this far away and knowing you feel like this. Hugs.

    • Yes, my children do love me. They will never be replacements for the adults in my life that I should have had that love me….. but they are my children and I love them dearly and they do love me.

      • I know they aren’t replacements I just wanted you to know you are loved for. Sorry if I downgraded what you were meaning. I just wanted you to know how much you are loved. I know I have family in my life. But in the last 3 months I have told my secret and not one of them has reached out to see how I am. Even after deleting Facebook. So even having that in your life doesn’t mean they would be there. But I get what you’re saying and I’m really sad and sorry that hot didn’t have what you deserved as does every child. X

      • Thank you and I know you were wanting me to know I am loved ❤

        I'm so sorry you have family but they don't reach out and aren't the support you need. It feels horrible and isolating and there is grieving and a sense of abandonment, when we don't have the support we need.

        I have learned to accept that this is a part of the journey.

        But, you and I do have our children and they do love us unconditionally. So, I do appreciate the reminder of that ❤ ❤

      • I accepted long ago that everyone is going to shit on you. Family doesn’t have to be blood. That’s why I never trust. But it’s easier not too have anybody in your life eh. I’m pretty much a recluse lol. Even though going to uni I is hard if I hadn’t of had that in the last 6 months I would be dead.

      • I am pretty much a recluse now. I think it is this way for many childhood complex trauma survivors.

        Some survivors do have trustworthy people in their lives and good support – which I am so thankful for. But that is not the case for all and that reality does profoundly affect this journey.

        I am so thankful you have Uni. I know it’s hard work and dealing with people is not easy, but it is something that helps you. So I am glad you have that.

      • Did you see those pics on my page for you. I can’t share through comments. X