I am scared to have hope. Scared to think something will be good, in case it’s not. Sacred to be disappointed. Scared to get hurt. Bottom line …….. fear. Of people.
But, I do have a flicker of hope.
This being due to the community volunteering I am going to be involved in every Wednesday and Thursday, which I feel very thankful to be able to be a part of. Community volunteering is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and now suddenly – I am going to be doing it. I’ve known since I was 20, that community and volunteering work is needed as a way of giving to others, reaching out to others, showing compassion – which is a verb.
And also I have some hope, due to the possibility of joining a community of Christians who follow a different model of following Jesus, whilst enjoying being in community and fellowship with each other. A model far more suited to me and where I am at.
I know I need to move into this slowly, steadily and carefully and not expect too much. Whilst, also keeping an open mind and heart.
I also realise, this is going to really test my capacity to be around a diverse group of people, who will all have different views, thoughts and beliefs. And be okay with that.
I actually feel the fear in me as I write all this.
Fear….. my constant companion.
But, despite that fear I know is there within me, that apprehension and reluctance….. I still have some hope. And I have not had any hope about anything, for a while.