I don’t want to talk about my ‘mother’.
She wasn’t a mother.
Mother’s don’t set you up to abused by paedophiles.
Mothers don’t abuse you every day of your childhood.
Mothers don’t shame you and abuse you more by saying you are a drama queen when you try to end your life as a teenager. Suicidal due to so much abuse, sexual abuse and severe depression.
Mothers don’t throw you out on the street in the freezing cold, when you are having a miscarriage and not speak to you for months – not even caring whether you lost the baby or not.
I could on with her list of abuse, but I would be here all night.
What is there to talk about?
I don’t hate her. I don’t want bad to happen to her. I hope she’s being looked after okay by all the carers who go in several times a day, as she is now disabled and can’t look after herself.
Nothing is going to change the past, or what she did, or how severe the abuse was. Or the fact that she planned it and it was intentional.
I guess I am expected to barf up some compassion for her and minimize and justify what she did.
That isn’t going to happen.
But, I know that’s all that will appease my counsellor.
And I will be deemed ‘not good enough’, unless I do.
An empathic reply to this I received….
“Lilly you don’t have to feel or say anything to your shrink that is not how Your feeling. You have a right to your anger, your rage. My rage scares me so I can only handle pieces at a time. However, with each piece I allow myself to feel…Its horrible yet freeing. It’s as if allowing the rage to simmer for a bit allows my soul to feel love (not for abuser), happiness and see the world in its splendor. Don’t open up to say what you think the dr wants to hear. Open up for yourself and let that rage boil.”
I realise, I don’t feel safe to feel any anger in counselling. I’m not even allowed to ‘label’ them, or use the ‘N’ word (narcissism) let alone show anger. My counsellor is ‘all about’ compassion for abusers and I know that unless I view it her way, it’s not deemed good enough.
Which I do realise is all for her needs and how ‘she’ chooses to view life, view abuse, view abusers…… and is nothing to do with me, or what I need.
I realise I should be able to feel and show anger in counselling, without that being invalidated, minimized or deemed as wrong.
But, it’s off limits. Like many things that don’t suit her needs.