Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Counselling tomorrow, and dreading it. I am meant to talk about my mother.


I don’t want to talk about my ‘mother’.

She wasn’t a mother.

Mother’s don’t set you up to abused by paedophiles.

Mothers don’t abuse you every day of your childhood.

Mothers don’t shame you and abuse you more by saying you are a drama queen when you try to end your life as a teenager. Suicidal due to so much abuse, sexual abuse and severe depression.

Mothers don’t throw you out on the street in the freezing cold, when you are having a miscarriage and not speak to you for months – not even caring whether you lost the baby or not.

I could on with her list of abuse, but I would be here all night.

What is there to talk about?

I don’t hate her. I don’t want bad to happen to her. I hope she’s being looked after okay by all the carers who go in several times a day, as she is now disabled and can’t look after herself.

Nothing is going to change the past, or what she did, or how severe the abuse was. Or the fact that she planned it and it was intentional.

I guess I am expected to barf up some compassion for her and minimize and justify what she did.

That isn’t going to happen.

But, I know that’s all that will appease my counsellor.

And I will be deemed ‘not good enough’, unless I do.

Dreading tomorrow.

depression sleep

An empathic reply to this I received….

Lilly you don’t have to feel or say anything to your shrink that is not how Your feeling. You have a right to your anger, your rage. My rage scares me so I can only handle pieces at a time. However, with each piece I allow myself to feel…Its horrible yet freeing. It’s as if allowing the rage to simmer for a bit allows my soul to feel love (not for abuser), happiness and see the world in its splendor. Don’t open up to say what you think the dr wants to hear. Open up for yourself and let that rage boil.”

I realise, I don’t feel safe to feel any anger in counselling. I’m not even allowed to ‘label’ them, or use the ‘N’ word (narcissism) let alone show anger. My counsellor is ‘all about’ compassion for abusers and I know that unless I view it her way, it’s not deemed good enough.

Which I do realise is all for her needs and how ‘she’ chooses to view life, view abuse, view abusers…… and is nothing to do with me, or what I need.

I realise I should be able to feel and show anger in counselling, without that being invalidated, minimized or deemed as wrong.

But, it’s off limits. Like many things that don’t suit her needs.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

13 thoughts on “Counselling tomorrow, and dreading it. I am meant to talk about my mother.

  1. After a few years of weekly counseling, I need to break it up a bit. Not sure if I am stronger, want to avoid or a comb of both.

  2. Lily… I am 54, was sexually abused from age 5 and and spent 10 years in a physically and emotionally damaging marriage. I had my first counseling session after a suicide attempt at age 19. Several hospitalizations and many, many, many counselors and doctors over the years convinced me that each one of them had their own idea of what would heal me. It was a bit narcissistic when I gave it a good look. They wanted me to ‘get better’ for their own symbiotic needs. I’m still not ‘better’ or healed’ or anywhere close to being where I ‘should’ be. I don’t have the answer, I just wanted you to know you are not alone and it is going to be okay.

  3. Aw, my heart breaks for you. This is way too heavy a burden for you to carry alone. You were never meant to have to carry this burden. I pray if you are not safe with your current counselor, you find another. HUggs

  4. Lilly,

    I hope I am not speaking out of turn. Your words in “Counselling tomorrow…” were upsetting to me as it sounds like your counsellor is placing restrictions on you, rather than putting her issues aside and working with your uniqueness. From my own experience with this, I know how intensely re-traumatizing this is. Can you find someone who will be helpful? Therapy should not be about ” …will appease my counsellor”.
    PS. I am one of the administrators on the page listed below and find the information you share very valuable to our followers and to myself, another survivor now living with C-PTSD. I too, had a mother with NPD and lived a living hell until I severed the ties with my family more than thirty years ago. If you want to carry this conversation privately, you may contact me.

  5. Please don’t placate her Lilly. She shouldn’t be a goddam counselor if she let’s her personal opinions and views into the relationship. You feel how you want to feel. You’re mothers disgusting behaviour towards you is allowed to be felt however you want to feel it. It was disgusting, no mother should ever do that. Even when I’m bitch I still control that towards my kids which yes is hard but there’s still right and wrong. Feel how you want to feel Lil you deserve every respect to do that as you have been through so much. Xxx

  6. And to the empathetic reply you also don’t deserve to have your
    Feelings minimized. What is wrong with these therapists.

  7. Lilly, I think your therapist needs to read Alice Miller’s books & articles.

    Alice Miller , a highly respected expert on child abuse, has studied & written extensively on the severe damage that Forgiveness and the 4th Commandment causes people who are trying to heal the horrible damage done to them by their own parents.

    The following quotes are from

    Alice Miller is a PhD in philosophy, psychology and sociology, as well as a researcher on childhood, is the author of 13 books.

    Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.

    Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honor one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.

    Dr. Miller wants the readers of her book “The Body Never Lies” to understand and accept that parents who abused us do not deserve our love and honor, regardless of a Moses-imposed commandment to do so.
    She takes to task all those friends and relatives and preachers and therapists who say, “Forgive your mother, forgive your father; they did the best they knew how. She changed your diapers, he sacrificed for you, and above all they loved you.”
    Miller will not hear it: forgiveness is a crock and a trap, laid to continue the dependency, and preserve the hope, that somehow, sometime, we will finally bask in the love that was so long ago denied us. Reading Alice is like hearing someone whisper, “I know the secret you are hiding in your past, the feelings of hurt and fright and shame and humiliation at the abusive treatment you suffered at the hands of your parents. And I’m asking you – urging you, challenging you – to come out of that dark closet and face up to it.”

  8. I am really having a hard time with this. This is shocking. Please fire this counselor ASAP.

  9. I have had so much rage and anger about my abusers over the last years. Thank God I got to express it freely in my blogs and with my doctors. Lately, I have developed some compassion for some of my abusers but it has taken time. I guess I have compassion and rage still. I hope you get to honestly share with your therapist without her judgment. You have to be your true self in counseling.

  10. Thank you everyone for all your messages, and your concern and validating how I feel. I truly appreciate it ❤ ❤

    I made it pretty clear in counselling today, what I prepared to tolerate and what I'm not and I'm not going to tolerate anyone telling me how I should/shouldn't not feel/think.

    I'm about to blog about it.

  11. I might have missed something you’ve already explained. I understand your counselor knows forgiveness can be healing, it’s even Biblical, but even God has certain of his sons both heavenly and earthly that he does not forgive. Several passages in the Bible show that forgiveness is healing ONLY if the abuser has STOPPED the abuse! I think you should go shopping for a new counselor!