A post to my page that is resonating with others.
For many of us that were abused in childhood onwards, we don’t have a ‘pre-trauma’ us.
We’ve endured trauma and the consequences of it, since we can remember.
This is very different to having a ‘good enough childhood’ and then experiencing trauma later on, or as an adult and has many different challenges.
This leaves a survivor with a sense of not knowing who they really are and we have to create that person as part of healing.
I am continually developing my sense of self, my virtues, my values, my self needs, my identity, my self worth and my self esteem.
It is a process, but I see healing complex trauma as transforming self into the person we can be and not the person the abusers treated us as.
For a long time, I was who everyone else wanted me to be and was lost within that.
Now, I am developing me, and I am aware this is an ongoing journey as it is for us all.
I am sharing this as I know for many, having a ‘no pre-trauma’ identity, is very hard and challenging and I understand this fully.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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April 22, 2015 at 10:56 am
Oh this really really really helps. Because I have many me’s I don’t know who me is truly, the core. Do I have one? At least I can make one now with this knowledge. Don’t feel so helpless
April 24, 2015 at 8:58 pm
It is hard and I have said in counselling I know I don’t have a ‘fixed personality’ because I have always needed to change to suit situations and also I have a hurt, abused, fragile, abandoned inner child, who is not healed. Plus a wise old soul side of me.
I think we do need to develop who we want to be ❤
April 25, 2015 at 3:56 pm
Do your personalities interact and take over that you know of? I’ve been having Co consciousness which is very scary when you don’t know what’s going on
April 25, 2015 at 4:39 pm
If I am triggered by something and often that will result in an emotional flashback, I can immediate feel scared, unsafe, frightened etc like I did when I was a child. So it will trigger my inner child part of me.
Sometimes the adolescent part of me will be triggered and I’ll want to go and be reckless, which I can control.
But, I know now when this is happening.
I can also have two entirely different conversations going on in my head. One will be rational and the other isn’t and is based on fear.
So I can have internal conflict going on and then I feel exhausted and just shut down.
I haven’t heard of co-consciousness before, I will read up on that.
I can understand that fear if things are happening and you don’t know what’s going on, it must be very scary ❤ ❤
April 25, 2015 at 4:57 pm
Yes it is. Because i come to realise even if i do have multiple personalities they’re all me still.
April 25, 2015 at 5:31 pm
Have you seen this Blog – it appears this DID survivor has lots of great info that may interest you too ❤
April 25, 2015 at 6:01 pm
Thank you. I started reading bit my brain goes all funny like in a denial kivnd of way. Some of them don’t like reading DID stuff. Then there’s us who reads and forgets but makes sense and then the rest remember. Ughhhh i don’t know. Hard to explain
April 25, 2015 at 6:30 pm
Anyway this is something we have read before. It is a very good description. I must remember to read and rerea d so it all gets retained. I have to stop smoking pot cos uni it doesn’t help. But stopping the others come out more. Life is a Lil chaotic
April 22, 2015 at 6:17 pm
I understand everything that is being said I take a step every day. There is good days bad days I have turned to meditation and crystals as they belong to earth we need to keep our self grounded. So turned to the 7 chakra healing this is what I have done to try and help my self but what I so find hard is no one ever understand the battles u face everyday. Have u got any suggestions for people out there, to give them a little tool on there path that may help.
June 28, 2016 at 5:51 am
Reblogged this on iamthe1701blog and commented:
This is very insightful and resonates a great deal with me. I have never known any other life so I often find it difficult to assert myself or to know how to behave in social situations because I have never really interacted with other people before. I have often felt alienated and this is why.
I would recommend you stop by Lilly’s site – it has some very useful resources.
April 22, 2017 at 11:00 am
Thank you Lilly. I was abused from about age 4-8 by my father. I have no idea who I am or what I like. It is very difficult for me to express an opinion because I am always questioinig myself.
April 22, 2017 at 11:45 am
Thank you. This really clicked with me. It’s so simple but I hadn’t made the connection of not have a pre-trauma self.
April 23, 2017 at 5:02 am
I relate very much to this I’m 70 years old and don’t know who I am what I was groomed for was prostitution but I hate sex and men so who am I A lost soul with no identity
April 23, 2017 at 6:58 am
Having suffered from pre-verbal abuse..(abuse as an infant) up until I was nearly a teenager in many different forms by many different people…both male and female caretakers…has somehow separated me into many different versions of “myself”….all of which are based on coping mechanisms. I give myself props because parts of me function pretty well….I find it’s the integration of the more disassociated parts or the ones that cannot easily express themselves that is the toughest sometimes. I love ur acknowledgment of having no pre-trauma identity. That’s why the whole process of “healing” sometimes seems elusive to me. Healing back towards what? Healing and returning to WHAT state of health?…… When so much dysfunction was once viewed and taught to be perfectly normal. Sometimes I feel as if I will forever be misunderstood. I have a lot of trouble getting “all of myself” grounded…so I have tricks that work for me. (Music, aromatherapy, I daydream a lot, being outdoors in nature, lots of sleep, working out when motivated and not feeling triggered, writing) As long as my soldier-like survivor self doesn’t bash the heck out of my more intuitive, receptive, tender-hearted, feminine side…I’m doing ok. I’ve had a lot of trouble developing and maintaining MY OWN sense of healthy balance ~ There are a lot of bullies out there! In the mean time I recognize each and every day is a new learning experience and NOBODY KNOWS EVERYTHING…so sometimes simply being open to the GREAT MYSTERY gives me the soft and tender space I need to restore and nurture myself. That’s where my sense of spirituality comes in and it has been my truest foundation. Thanks again for your post. Perhaps your real pre-trauma identity was an angel 🙂