I’ve come to realise that severe prolonged trauma, in childhood and then it continuing into adulthood, is a level of suffering no-one understand unless they have endured it.
And for many who have endured it, they are still suppressing, minimizing, in denial. And many do not have insight into the trauma and it’s consequences.
This leaves very few people, who will truly understand the suffering, the many prolonged & severe trauma’s, the many painful consequences… or where I am at.
And I am not angry, or upset with all those people, at all. And for all those who have never endured this level of trauma, I am so thankful they haven’t. But, I am angry and upset that I have no-one physically in my life who ‘gets it’. Or ‘get’s me’. And angry and upset about what and who caused this.
It’s like I am still being punished.
It explains why the sense of complete aloneness continues.
No matter what I do, what I fill my life with…….. that gaping hole within me of knowing I am completely alone, is never filled.
It is a never ending cycle of grieving…… to have no-one in your life who meets your needs.
Especially when they are needs – crucial to healing. And I have been grieving this, all my life. I just didn’t know it until recently.
And the worst part, is seeing no end to it.
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
April 25, 2015 at 3:38 am
Thank you, Lilly. I… feel so much of what you’re saying right here. I feel so alone, too. I… wish I knew how to explain how alone I feel, being a guy, being a survivor of maternal abuse, being a survivor of abuse from women- some men, but mostly women. I’ve processed this so differently than most of the women I’ve talked to… um, Stew gets it, you know? He totally knows why it’s easier for many of us men to express rage rather than crying.
I guess I’m ready to take my break from the Internet– or at least, social media, now. I hope I will be able to come back and say, “Okay, yeah, Lilly, it was okay” too. Thank you for supporting and understanding. I appreciate all that you do. I wish I had more physical in-person understanding, too, but, I’m glad that at least online, I know a few people that “get it”.
April 25, 2015 at 5:49 am
😦 ❤ Sending prayers your way – and I think it's extremely brave to face what you are, head on. Much love, respect and support.
April 25, 2015 at 9:09 am
I am walking that lonely path now. Been on it for a couple of years now. I’ll soon be thirty.
April 25, 2015 at 9:46 pm
I totally feel what you are saying. When I was younger, I kept my turmoil in. I had been taught that I am the bag carrier of everyone else’s issues. I carried mine alone, no parental help, just condemnation. Being raised in a dysfunctional family, the secrets have to be kept. I have been an adult in a little body. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always liked to be around people. My mum used to say that if someone reached their hands out to me, I’d be off with them. I’m too trusting. Then, she married a monster, from about age 1 1/2 to 23, he ruled, stamped out my identity, called me names, beat me, denied me medical help, sabotaged all of my hard work. My mum just sat there. If she didn’t know or plug in, how was she to help. She let it happen, or said I was too sensitive, I was being a baby. I was sexually molested at age 4, and no one did anything. I was told to stop whining, stop complaining. I was bullied in school, no one helped. Teachers watched, some joined in. My mum asked what I did to deserve it. I’ve been crying out for so long, I have now gone silent. So, I learned to keep things in.
Then I got married, I thought, I can now do what I wasn’t able to do. I started to find therapists, and haven’t really found one who understands. Found many who just don’t get what I’ve gone through. Found some who said it’s in my head, I should just be positive, should read ‘The Secret’, I’m being a victim, I must be bipolar, I was told, people don’t like to be around people who are depressed, smile more…. So, this has made me turn inside even more. I have found many websites online, with many different PhD’s who say what I feel(Dr. Karyl McBride, Pete Walker, Dr. Linda Martinez, Denise Quinmet are a few examples) . I finally have confirmation that I am not making things up, feeling sorry for myself or am crazy.
The problem I have always had is this, people come to me for their problems and for someone to listen to them, when I do the same, nothing. I have many acquaintances, but no true friends. I am alone. The even sadder thing is that my kids see this as normal. They too have become loners. My husband is a loner, we all are. It doesn’t help that my family of origin has kicked me to the curb because I am not afraid to speak the truth. My husband’s siblings are 10 years older than him, they’ve never paid any notice.
It just hurts. I can’t help but think of that saying, ‘if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?’ If a person has a life and family and no one is around, does it exist? Can anyone see me?
I’m sorry this is so long, but I really understand and feel what you are saying. It’s such a hollow feeling, as if you haven’t eaten for a long time and your gut aches, I feel this way physically and mentally. I think I have just become numb.
April 27, 2015 at 12:26 am
as time goes by , it get a little easer