Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t have ‘depression’ – I have suppressed deep pain/hurt/anger & considerable intense grieving.


I have been through hell and I am not going to minimize that for the comfort of others. I need to deal with my past fully and yet there are obstacles to do that.

I am only too aware of the damage that suppressing and minimizing trauma causes. And yet I am still suppressing my emotions about the first 20 years of my life. I am suppressing them, and internalising it into depression, because I have no-one in my life who can help me deal with it. And I realise I cannot do that on my own.

I am aware I need to talk it through and express every bit of pain, hurt, anger, disgust, betrayal – with someone who is actually listening. Someone who does not invalidate and minimize that. Someone who doesn’t project their own opinions …. rejecting my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the process.

If I want to have sheer disgust at what was done to me and about those who enjoyed harming me – I will.

If I want to call a paedophile – a paedophile – I will, because that it what he was to me.

If I want to call my mother, step father – ‘abusers’ ‘sociopaths’, I will – because that is what they were to me. And that is what they did to me – abuse me – intentionally, with no empathy, no remorse, no conscience, no guilt.

If I want to call a psychopath – a psychopath – I will – because that is what he was to me.

This accurately describes who they were to me.

I don’t give a fuck if they weren’t this 100% of the time to others.

They were this 100% of the time to me.

I don’t give a fuck if that offends others who think labelling is wrong and prefer to minimize what abusers do, to make their lives easier.

I will live in my truth, of my life.

They destroyed my life, and I can feel absolute disgust, absolute anger and pain at that and no-one should be telling me otherwise.

And I don’t give a fuck what might have happened to them in the past – it never gave them the right to abuse me in such horrific ways, causing me deep prolonged suffering.

And I am allowed to be absolutely disgusted that they enjoyed doing that to me.

They are disgusting, vile people, and while I am dealing with my healing, with my processing, my emotions and my grieving, I will think what I need to think.

I need to feel, express and get out this suppressed anger, pain, disgust and hurt.

And anyone who tries to tell me differently, can exit my life.

Update….. 28/04/15

I was nervous to share this on my community page, but it was well received.

The point of sharing it – was to show that these intense emotions are valid, do need to be felt and expressed and to validate anyone else who feels this resonates with them and where they are at.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

11 thoughts on “I don’t have ‘depression’ – I have suppressed deep pain/hurt/anger & considerable intense grieving.

  1. Yes. You need the space to think and feel what you are feeling, not be shut down and told how you are wrong for feeling that. We all need that space- even non-traumatized people need that space. But it becomes of vital importance when we have a hard enough time dragging these thoughts and feelings to the surface, only to be shot down.

  2. Good on you lilly. You don’t deserve to be told how to act think or feel when you have been through something that most will never know about. I wish i could be that ear for you. X

  3. ((HUGS))

  4. I am so proud of you. Your anger could flood the oceans and keep on going. I hear you and I feel the same way. You say it like it is.

  5. I so admire how you stand up for yourself. It’s inspiring and encouraging me to break through my Fawn/Flight behavior.

  6. Amen!!!! Yes, Yes, Yes!

  7. Yeah.. I am with you on this one

    I counter with a couple of pieces:
    To forgive is to identify and to make oneself in danger of passing the legacy on

    It is pretty easy to forgive others for what they have done to you, if you yourself as done some same similar shit towards other.

    So generally, those people shouting “forgive”, as in my view potential assholes themselves.
    If we, as humans, are without principles, then it all boils down to “nihilism” and “dog eats dog”. And if it all boils down to that, then why should I fuck care at all about anything, even my own morality or principles ?

    There are some really nice people out there. First one has to try to be fearless, so that one becomes capable of initiating conversations with those people one “feels” have something within. Many of them are a bit shy. Then just tell those other “healers” to sod off. Go fuck themselves, better than using their children.

    Nice blog by the way. I am pretty old myself. Another tough one, is when I discovered all the forsaken things in life, as a sort of prolongation of the abused mentality one can get. Anyhow, it ain’t over yet 🙂

    Pardon me ingles. I am not english.