I have been through hell and I am not going to minimize that for the comfort of others. I need to deal with my past fully and yet there are obstacles to do that.
I am only too aware of the damage that suppressing and minimizing trauma causes. And yet I am still suppressing my emotions about the first 20 years of my life. I am suppressing them, and internalising it into depression, because I have no-one in my life who can help me deal with it. And I realise I cannot do that on my own.
I am aware I need to talk it through and express every bit of pain, hurt, anger, disgust, betrayal – with someone who is actually listening. Someone who does not invalidate and minimize that. Someone who doesn’t project their own opinions …. rejecting my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the process.
If I want to have sheer disgust at what was done to me and about those who enjoyed harming me – I will.
If I want to call a paedophile – a paedophile – I will, because that it what he was to me.
If I want to call my mother, step father – ‘abusers’ ‘sociopaths’, I will – because that is what they were to me. And that is what they did to me – abuse me – intentionally, with no empathy, no remorse, no conscience, no guilt.
If I want to call a psychopath – a psychopath – I will – because that is what he was to me.
This accurately describes who they were to me.
I don’t give a fuck if they weren’t this 100% of the time to others.
They were this 100% of the time to me.
I don’t give a fuck if that offends others who think labelling is wrong and prefer to minimize what abusers do, to make their lives easier.
I will live in my truth, of my life.
They destroyed my life, and I can feel absolute disgust, absolute anger and pain at that and no-one should be telling me otherwise.
And I don’t give a fuck what might have happened to them in the past – it never gave them the right to abuse me in such horrific ways, causing me deep prolonged suffering.
And I am allowed to be absolutely disgusted that they enjoyed doing that to me.
They are disgusting, vile people, and while I am dealing with my healing, with my processing, my emotions and my grieving, I will think what I need to think.
I need to feel, express and get out this suppressed anger, pain, disgust and hurt.
And anyone who tries to tell me differently, can exit my life.
I was nervous to share this on my community page, but it was well received.
The point of sharing it – was to show that these intense emotions are valid, do need to be felt and expressed and to validate anyone else who feels this resonates with them and where they are at.