“Who were you dating at 17?” So distressing to see this question.

While scrolling through my personal FB – I came across this question.

It is so distressing to have my memories and to have lived my life.

I didn’t have a normal life in any respect in the first 20 years of my life. I was raised by abusers, within an environment of highly sick and highly abusive monsters.

By the time I got to 15, I had already been severely sexually abused, severely emotionally and psychologically abused and had tried to kill myself and was already suffering suicide ideation, as a form of coping.

By 17, I was in highly abusive ‘relationship’, with a sadistic psychopath, being abused in every way possible, in captivity.

I wasn’t ‘dating’ boys my age, or having anything like a normal life, or having normal teenage experiences.

I was trying to survive what was meant to kill me.

Feeling so overwhelmed.

I am going through some pretty highly emotional and challenging stuff at the moment. *sigh.

My childhood and intense emotions I have not dealt with.

Painful grieving at the realisation of how severely my whole life has been affected by my childhood.

Issues in counselling.

Issues in my marriage.

Volunteering and being around new people – and all their many differing issues/needs.

Parents at my youngest son’s school wanting to get together, today I had an invite to a high tea on Friday.

Both the volunteering and parents stuff – increasing anxiety considerably, but I have pushed myself to do it for several reasons, including not continuing to be isolated.

Two more recommendations and positive feedback from mental health professionals.

Via email….

“Hello Lilly, I am a trauma therapist and am impressed with your resources! May I link your website to mine? I have a page with trauma resources too and yours adds a lot, especially from the client’s perspective.” & “Thank you, Lilly! I also found your Facebook page. What a professional and complete body of work you offer to those needing the information and assurance you offer!”

~ Marilyn Brine Gilmour, MSW, LICSW
Natick Counseling and Holistic Therapies

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On my facebook page…

” I am a licensed professional counselor who works with those with mental illness to include PTSD. I often share your information and tell clients where to find your page as part of the healing process. You bring so much to help this process. Keep up the good work!

~ Dr. Cassandra Means”

Standing up for myself …. face to face …… doesn’t seem to get any easier.

I am being more assertive these days, and not allowing others to invalidate and minimize my journey, and not project their opinions on me.

Doing that face to face with someone, is not easy for me. In fact, I hate it and would rather avoid it at all costs.

Yesterday, I dealt with confrontation with my counsellor and I said what I needed to say. I told her that she has not created a safe enough place for me to speak and projects her own opinions too much. I told her that she has invalidated my own thoughts too often and that her opinion is nothing more than that – an opinion and that she in fact does not have an opinion of my life, and all the trauma and those who caused it, because she was not there.

It was horrible. I hated it. My anxiety was through the roof. I was struggling not to just zone out. I was emotional, defensive, struggled to get my words out, struggled to convey what I meant. And I said I knew I was struggling with it and being defensive.

I explained that I didn’t even feel safe, to explain that I don’t feel safe.