While scrolling through my personal FB – I came across this question.
It is so distressing to have my memories and to have lived my life.
I didn’t have a normal life in any respect in the first 20 years of my life. I was raised by abusers, within an environment of highly sick and highly abusive monsters.
By the time I got to 15, I had already been severely sexually abused, severely emotionally and psychologically abused and had tried to kill myself and was already suffering suicide ideation, as a form of coping.
By 17, I was in highly abusive ‘relationship’, with a sadistic psychopath, being abused in every way possible, in captivity.
I wasn’t ‘dating’ boys my age, or having anything like a normal life, or having normal teenage experiences.
I was trying to survive what was meant to kill me.
When I see questions like this…….. about ‘normal’ lives ………. it drives home just how far from normal my life has been.
How horrific my life has been.
Nothing in the first 20 years of my life was anything like normal or average.
And all that fucked up the rest of my too, where everything was tainted and damaged, by all the severe abuse and trauma endured as a child and teenager.
I fucking hate my life.
The only decent thing in my life, is my children.
The rest is nothing like life should ever have to be.
It has all been pain and suffering and despicably tainted by severe, horrific abuse – all of which people made choices to inflict upon me….. and they enjoyed it.
I should have been dating some spotty teenager, who I had a crush on.
But, my first sexual experiences were with a paedophile at about 8 and a psychopath as a teenager – these being friends of my ‘parents’ – who all collectively groomed me for all this abuse and it is clear I was ‘sold’ ‘given’ to these monsters, by the very people who were meant to love and care for me.
And I will never be able to experience all those normal life experiences I should have had….. like dating at 17.
Instead, I have a mind full of memories of horror and sick evil done to me.
Memories that will never be gone.