Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

“Who were you dating at 17?” So distressing to see this question.

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While scrolling through my personal FB – I came across this question.

It is so distressing to have my memories and to have lived my life.

I didn’t have a normal life in any respect in the first 20 years of my life. I was raised by abusers, within an environment of highly sick and highly abusive monsters.

By the time I got to 15, I had already been severely sexually abused, severely emotionally and psychologically abused and had tried to kill myself and was already suffering suicide ideation, as a form of coping.

By 17, I was in highly abusive ‘relationship’, with a sadistic psychopath, being abused in every way possible, in captivity.

I wasn’t ‘dating’ boys my age, or having anything like a normal life, or having normal teenage experiences.

I was trying to survive what was meant to kill me.

When I see questions like this…….. about ‘normal’ lives ………. it drives home just how far from normal my life has been.

How horrific my life has been.

Nothing in the first 20 years of my life was anything like normal or average.

And all that fucked up the rest of my too, where everything was tainted and damaged, by all the severe abuse and trauma endured as a child and teenager.

I fucking hate my life.

The only decent thing in my life, is my children.

The rest is nothing like life should ever have to be.

It has all been pain and suffering and despicably tainted by severe, horrific abuse – all of which people made choices to inflict upon me….. and they enjoyed it.

I should have been dating some spotty teenager, who I had a crush on.

But, my first sexual experiences were with a paedophile at about 8 and a psychopath as a teenager – these being  friends of my ‘parents’ – who all collectively groomed me for all this abuse and it is clear I was ‘sold’ ‘given’ to these monsters, by the very people who were meant to love and care for me.

And I will never be able to experience all those normal life experiences I should have had….. like dating at 17.

Instead, I have a mind full of memories of horror and sick evil done to me.

Memories that will never be gone.

cry

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on ““Who were you dating at 17?” So distressing to see this question.

  1. My childhood was emotional abuse, neglect and domestic violence. Keeping my parents nasty secrets. Learning I was bad and wrong. Ugly. Unwanted.
    Learning to accept bullying and abuse as normal. An A student I was thrown out on the street at 18 for having a high school boyfriend who was half asian.
    I was taught all the wrong things about myself setting me up for a lifetime as a doormat. My parents caused this. It was never my fault. I was a good kid who came from a nasty secret-keeping family. I have always been a good person I just never knew it thanks to them.