Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Interesting to see someone else state Cardinal Pell is sociopathic & everything else I already knew.

Just watched 60 minutes and the man personally appointed by the Pope to deal with child sexual abuse within the Catholic Church…. and hear him say exactly what I have already worked out….

He described Pell as sociopathic, lacking in any empathy, or conscience, a known and proven liar, capable of showing absolutely no remorse, lie effortlessly etc and treat abuse victims in a completely disgusting (sociopathic) way. And clearly Pell knew of abuse by priests and supported them and enabled them.

I agree with this man appointed by Pope Francis, state Pell should be facing legal action/consequences and needs removing from any position of authority immediately, by the Pope. And if the Pope has any balls and conscience, he will. Continue reading

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There can be a greater agony, than an untold story.

There is a famous quote by Maya Angelou “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”.

I actually wish I had never had to tell mine. An untold story can be agony, but there can be greater agony in telling the story.

Knowing the truth of the story, for me, is far greater agony than denial. I would rather not know mine. I would rather not have to deal with the reality of it.

I know I’m not supposed to think this. I am supposed to find comfort in being able to tell it. Well, I don’t. There is no comfort for me in knowing the truth of my story.

It’s agony knowing it.

It’s agony speaking about it.

It’s agony feeling it.

The only comfort I can find, is in numbing it all out.

Ill, on my son’s 13th Birthday.

It’s my son’s Birthday today and we planned to go out for dinner. But, having continuing issues with nausea and other yucky symptoms, meant I could not go out.

I am gutted my health issues, affected my son’s special Birthday.

I am so beyond over dealing with health issues, both physical and emotional.

We are supposed to be going to a theme park on Sunday, and I hope and pray I will be okay to do that and won’t let my son down again.


Not taking any more Luvox.

Felt so ill all day. Exhausted, nauseous to the point of not being able to eat anything, massive headache all day, jittery and trembling.

I can’t handle it.

It’s my son’s Birthday tomorrow and we have a day out at a theme park planned on the weekend. I can’t get through that, feeling the way I do today.

Day one of new medication…. not good.

Contrary to what I was told would likely happen, I had even worse trouble getting to sleep than normal, probably only slept for about 3 hours. It definitely did not make me sleepy. Quite the opposite.

And this morning I feel very tired, headache, shaky and nauseous.

There is a part of me wants to say screw this and stop taking it. I’m already exhausted enough.

And there’s another part of me thinks I should give it time, as these side effects may ease.

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I cannot read any more Royal Commission, Paedophile Priests, Cardinal Pell, Duggar posts.

I am so angry at the minimizing and excuse making for these people who commit evil child sexual abuse against children and pass it off as ‘mistakes’ and/or show no remorse or empathy.

Church people can be the most disordered, dysfunctional, manipulative, traumatising, fucked up, harmful and hypocritical people of all.

It makes me so angry due to the added levels of spiritual abuse/religious abuse and I need a break from it this week.

Back on medication. Not happy about it, but I know I need to try it.

I discussed my low mood and physical pain issues at counselling and I stated that I am aware it might be worth trying medication again.

I had managed to stop taking the heavy duty drugs – Mirtazapine, Effexor and Seroquel. I’ve been off all of those for months.

Having noted that my mood is mostly low these days, the pain in my back is increasing and now debilitating …. a less heavy duty drug I am willing to consider.

So, Luvox has been prescribed and I will take it see how it goes. It’s an Anti-Depressant with analgesic qualities, for the pain. I’ve done research and noted it is one prescribed for OCD, PTSD, MDD, anxiety. Continue reading

I am becoming the person I am meant to be.

I believe in transformation, ‘becoming’.

Becoming wiser, more mature, working on growth and healing and that taking time.

I am becoming who God wants me to be, not what people demand I should be.

I know this is ongoing transforming, this becoming will continue all my life.

We are never wise enough. We never know enough. We are not God.


Apparently calling people evil is an ‘acceptable’ label in counselling.

I have come to know that I can call people who have severely abused me, what I want and no-one gets to judge that, not even my counsellor.

I know I can label them, because ‘I’ knew them and what they did and all their traits. I was there, I endured them, I do get to judge them, I get to call them what they are.

My counsellor has had issues with me labelling in the past and I have made it very clear, I will label them, because I need to know what they are to deal with the severe abuse and evil they inflicted on me.

I spoke about how my mother, step father, the paedophile, the psychopath – all willingly, intentionally and knowingly – abused me in horrific ways and I will label that evil.

This apparently was deemed okay. I don’t actually care whether my counsellor approves or not. I don’t need or care about her approval, or judgment.

I was really thankful to read an article from Christians, about the need to identify evil for what it is. And all the traits. That did help validate my understanding, my insight, my knowledge and what I know is true.


I have to deal with my past, whether I want to or not.

I feel like I am being dragged kicking and (quietly) screaming down this path of greater understanding of the depths of the evil committed against me. Continue reading


The Cost of Religious Fundamentalism… The Duggar sex abuse crimes.

Today is a good day, when I read two articles from Christians, willing to call evil and abuse what it is.

Thank you God – for reminding me there are some real Christians out there, with the balls to speak up and speak appropriately.

And reflect my own views and insight.


This is what comes of fundamentalism.

This week in the news, the Duggar family–made popular by their reality show, “19 Kids and Counting”–have been in the spotlight for a sex scandal. Though I seriously doubt they are calling it that, amongst themselves. No, where they come from, this is a youthful indiscretion; a series of inappropriate behaviors; evidence that we are “not a perfect family”… Etc.

But the news that the oldest son, Josh (now 27) repeatedly molested and sexually assaulted his younger sisters (and another unnamed minor) is beyond “inappropriate.” It is a crime. And one for which nobody is going to jail, given the 3 year statute of limitations in the state of Arkansas. (And in many states).

This is what comes of fundamentalism. And this is not about me railing against conservative brands of faith. Conservatism in belief does not always amount to abusive behavior. But when conservative beliefs (the Duggars are part of the Quiverfull movement) manifest in harmful, toxic systems that allow for–and even condone–systemic abuse, then you have fundamentalism. And it comes at a price. Most often, the price is human dignity. And most often, that price is paid by women.

Fundamentalism is how Jim Jones got a tragically large group of people to “drink the Kool-aid.” (I know that is a really derogatory thing to say now, but this is, most literally, where the saying originated). Fundamentalism is how Waco happened. Fundamentalism is how ISIS continues to grow at an alarming rate.

Fundamentalism is why so very many children have horrific stories of being abused by Catholic priests; and fundamentalism is why so few of those priests are in jail (so far).

At the heart of fundamentalism is fear: fear of being cast out for dissent; fear of an authority figure (always a man or group of men); and in many cases, fear of physical harm. This fear is held in place by a power structure that depends, ultimately, on silence.

Deadly, deafening silence.

And that’s why we can now classify the Duggars, and their brand of faith, as not just conservative–but harmfully fundamentalist. Continue reading