Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I accept anything I do is for others, but not for myself.

3 Comments

I have given up assuming my life will get better. It’s not getting better. It’s getting worse. And I am too honest to pretend differently. The more I know, the more layers of trauma I peel away, the more I know about how trauma impacted my whole life, the worse my life becomes.

I am only existing for my children. If it weren’t for them, I would no longer be here. I try to be a decent mother.

Plus, I am doing things for others that I believe are needed and good, like posting info on my page, volunteering to help people in need, helping at the school – to help the teachers and kids.

I’m socialising with other parents, so I can be more involved with my youngest son in regard to play dates etc with his friends. So my desire to isolate does not impact him.

But, this is all for others. None of it is for me, because all it does is force me to be around people – increasing my anxiety, exhaustion, hyper vigilance etc. The depths of my increasing pain and grieving are so great, I do not feel anything positive.

I do what I need to do. I force myself to do it. What is expected of me. What I am committed to doing. As per my responsibilities. I fake it around people. Every. Single. Day.

And I exist within that, in a completely detached way.

Will this change? I don’t know. I have stopped assuming it will. It only ever gets worse.

I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing – socialising, counselling, volunteering, not isolating ….. and still it gets worse.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “I accept anything I do is for others, but not for myself.

  1. I’ve been here and I’ve done that (the peeling away of layers and feeling worse…). Awful feeling. Just awful.

    Sometimes peeling away layers is useful; it has a necessary part in the healing process. But if you get to the stage where (as you so eloquently put it) the peeling just reinforces to you how much the trauma has impacted on your life then it’s time to stop peeling. At least for a while. Very hard to do though, when so much is probably serving to remind you of stuff…

    You also mention that you are exhausted. I bet! It sounds as if you are working really hard to please others and perhaps to find a place in the world and find positive things to aim your mind at. You are to be commended for this effort and courage, and the generosity you have shown others, but time to stop doing too much too methinks.

    You say you are only existing for your kids. Um. Not good. I was once in a place where I only kept myself on the planet because of my family so I know the feeling. I did move away from that eventually; I hope you can believe it’s possible for you too.

    Is there some place you can move sideways too; some activity that acts like a circuit breaker but doesn’t require you to exhaust yourself on the behalf of others? I got into kung fu movies (don’t laugh!), I mean REALLY got into them. I watched them, I blogged about the choreography in the fight scenes (I used to be a choreographer) and they became a real fascination. It probably sounds silly but they were a place where I could be away from the worst of my thoughts or other people’s demands. Because they deal with aggression I realised that I was ‘putting’ all my internal anger into a neutral space while I watched them.

    Not sure if it helps but I found this a useful mantra too. It’s from one of Gerard Manly Hopkins’ Terrible Sonnets (Sonnet number 47) boy, did he know a thing or two about plumbing the depths:
    “My own heart le me more have pity on, let me live to my sad self hereafter kind, Charitable;” http://www.bartleby.com/122/47.html

  2. Your page is going to help my wife soo much. Thank you for writing and giving so much info. Don’t know if you have heard of Victor Marx but he has been a huge help with my wife’s ptsd. Thanks again for all your hard work.

  3. Wow this is me I am so heartbroken and relieved at the same time.