Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The deepest issues caused by child sexual abuse, I will never be able to discuss with anyone.


I can’t even write about what is in my mind. Memories, things that happened as a result of the grooming process. The shame I feel that still haunts and pervades my life.

Some of this just bubbled up and I spent the last 30 minutes locked in my bedroom crying. Sobbing. I am trying now to pull myself together as my children are home and I cannot cry all day.

I doubt I will ever talk about it. Counselling is no where near safe enough to talk about any of this and I have no-one else.

I want to die.

It hurts too much.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “The deepest issues caused by child sexual abuse, I will never be able to discuss with anyone.

  1. I know there is nothing I could do for you.
    You don’t even know me and I don’t know you.
    It’s just, I feel that I’ve got to say something.
    It might not be accurate but.. I feel your pain and I think I understand what you feel.
    My past is different from yours and you have all the right in the world to not listen to anything I say.
    But, I don’t know why but I want to tell you you are not alone.
    Thank you.
    Thank you for coming to this world. Thank you for being here. Thank you for not giving up all these times.
    I’m grateful I meet you here.
    Thank you.

  2. Thank you for sharing. I want to tell you that you are not alone. In those moments, you are not alone. I know you dont know me or my story. I’m a survivor that battles those same things. I fall apart in the shower so nobody can here me. That’s because there is no safe place or person I can fall apart in front of and have them understand.

  3. I am so, so sorry, Lilly. This is heart breaking and I truly wish there was something I could do to help. That is an unbelievably horrific place to be in and you don’t deserve that. Please know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and that I am sending you love and support. If you ever want me to try to help you find a safer counselor or anything else, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

    • Thank you Marissa ❤

      I think I am processing the most painful stuff from my childhood and all the trauma, and it hurts more than I can bear sometimes.

      The grieving that comes with it, is beyond hard.

      But while I felt like a wanted to die yesterday, I feel stronger today.

      Thank you for all your kind words ❤

  4. Lilly: I have felt exactly as you many many times–several times just last week as a matter of fact. I hear what you are saying and also know that sometimes I feel that no one in the world can comfort me.

    I love your posts and need you to know that your sharing these hard feelings is giving me the courage to do so also. It’s taken me years and years and years to even be able to address my trauma, and yes, it s a journey that takes a ton of courage and strength.

    My Soul loves your Soul and all the others here who have the courage to share experiences that simply cannot be accurately described with words sometimes. We are a tribe of brave and courageous people.

    ~Ivy Lee