Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Overwhelmed by the amount of abuse, every kind of abuse, multiple abusers.

Being someone who has endured so many different kinds of abuse to a severe level, from such a young age, by multiple abusers …… these trauma’s throughout decades of my life….are horrendous.

Because there are so many trauma’s, so much abuse, all the different types of abuse….. it all means there are layers of trauma and specific and different damage/consequences within each.

And they compound and impact the suffering, the consequences I still endure.

I sit and wish sometimes that I had endured just certain trauma. I would do anything to have had average, decent parents, and just been sexually abuse by a paedophile. Rather than have both highly abusive parents, who set me up to be abused by a paedophile and a psychopath.

Or, be someone emotionally abused, but not sexually abused. Or, I’ll take all the adult abuse I’ve endured – a domestic violence marriage, attack in the park, spiritual abuse, but no child abuse.

I’ll take half the abuse I’ve been through. Half the amount of abusers. And half the impact and suffering.

And I realise how terribly sad it is that I would do anything to have endured half the abuse I have, which is still horrendous. Rather than all I have endured.

It is beyond overwhelming to deal with it all. Continue reading

Having no-one to feel safe with….. impacts the healing journey, greatly.

I shared this on my page, because I truly see the wisdom in this and how this is needed…

“I was very intentional about the type of environment I created for myself during the beginning (and most vulnerable time) of healing. My recovery has been like being pregnant with my true self so I avoided things that might hurt the new life being formed within me. The two major issues I focused on were my physical surroundings and my relationships. I spent a lot of time resting in a cocoon-like refuge that I prepared in my home and I cut back on social obligations. I also cocooned myself with safe and supportive friends who nurtured me. I refused to spend time with others who didn’t feel safe. Giving myself the space that I needed allowed me to focus on the healing work so I could progress through it more easily.”The ~ Rescued Soul by Christina Enevoldsen

I don’t have anyone I feel safe with. Not my husband, nor my counsellor, no-one.

I know this is partly their issues, and partly mine.

I married someone I absolutely should not be with, who is very untrustworthy and selfish and has his own set of issues.

I have raised the issues of my lack of safety in counselling and why and it is yet to be seen whether this can change. Continue reading