Being someone who has endured so many different kinds of abuse to a severe level, from such a young age, by multiple abusers …… these trauma’s throughout decades of my life….are horrendous.
Because there are so many trauma’s, so much abuse, all the different types of abuse….. it all means there are layers of trauma and specific and different damage/consequences within each.
And they compound and impact the suffering, the consequences I still endure.
I sit and wish sometimes that I had endured just certain trauma. I would do anything to have had average, decent parents, and just been sexually abuse by a paedophile. Rather than have both highly abusive parents, who set me up to be abused by a paedophile and a psychopath.
Or, be someone emotionally abused, but not sexually abused. Or, I’ll take all the adult abuse I’ve endured – a domestic violence marriage, attack in the park, spiritual abuse, but no child abuse.
I’ll take half the abuse I’ve been through. Half the amount of abusers. And half the impact and suffering.
And I realise how terribly sad it is that I would do anything to have endured half the abuse I have, which is still horrendous. Rather than all I have endured.
It is beyond overwhelming to deal with it all. Continue reading