Detaching emotionally, is clearly my current place of safety.

I realise that my desire or capacity to be emotionally attached to anyone, is at it’s all time lowest. I think I truly have given up. I realise I have disconnected emotionally from my husband and my counsellor, both for different reasons.

I feel disconnected from my husband in more ways than I want to write about.

For a long time I did feel some kind of emotional bond with my counsellor and it’s gone. I go to counselling and do what I have to do. But, I no longer want to email her between sessions, as I have done for many months. I no longer want to rely on her, or feel attached, or connected, or ‘need’ her in any way.

I don’t want to get remotely close to anyone where I volunteer, or parents I have started to get to know. I talk about their problems and I offer them compassion and understanding, whilst keeping a big emotional distance between me and everyone, as wide as I can.

I realise how emotionally detached I can be about my childhood, to keep myself safe.

Had counselling today and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I talked about horrible stuff, in that emotionally detached way I can when I am not safe enough to allow emotions to arise, or be felt.

I explained these deeply painful realisations of how horrendous my childhood was, keep coming. And I don’t invite them, or want them, they just happen. And are constant reminders of how terrible it was.

I explained something that happened this morning, memories of a time when I was around 11, or 12, when I found an old purse with money in it, and handed it in to the police station. The police officer being so nice to me and saying all these nice things about how lovely and honest and kind I was. But, I was really confused. I didn’t know what it was like to have people say genuinely nice things about me like that and it was weird, strange and confusing. I remember it like it was happening now, me, where the counter was, what the police officer looked like, the tone in his voice etc.

This memory shows the contrast between what this police officer was saying, and what I heard at home.

For a child to be so confused about nice things being said, that weren’t about grooming me for abuse, is very telling of the level of abuse I endured daily at home.

My counsellor seemed emotional about this story and verbalised that she was emotional hearing this. That confused me too, because I wonder if it is genuine or not. I don’t want pity or faked emotions, just because I have challenged her not providing safe enough counselling.

My current reading ‘The Rescued Soul: The Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal’

As this is featuring heavily in the current part of my journey – family betrayal – being set up by my own mother to be sexually abused as a child…… I need help with how to deal with the crushing and soul destroying pain this brings.

So, hoping to learn something from this book.

http://www.amazon.com.au/Rescued-Soul-Writing-Journey-Betrayal-ebook/dp/B00R348F1C/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1430783536&sr=8-1&keywords=the+rescued+soul

A blog post that resonates, in many ways. ‘I’m done.’

So much of this blog I relate to. That deeper journey of growth that takes courage to delve into. I see much of what is written in this, I am already at, and some I am still getting to.

Very interesting blog and I am always fascinated by the deeper journey some choose to take and reading about it and what others have come to realise and understand.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/04/she-was-done/