I realise that my desire or capacity to be emotionally attached to anyone, is at it’s all time lowest. I think I truly have given up. I realise I have disconnected emotionally from my husband and my counsellor, both for different reasons.
I feel disconnected from my husband in more ways than I want to write about.
For a long time I did feel some kind of emotional bond with my counsellor and it’s gone. I go to counselling and do what I have to do. But, I no longer want to email her between sessions, as I have done for many months. I no longer want to rely on her, or feel attached, or connected, or ‘need’ her in any way.
I don’t want to get remotely close to anyone where I volunteer, or parents I have started to get to know. I talk about their problems and I offer them compassion and understanding, whilst keeping a big emotional distance between me and everyone, as wide as I can.
It’s like I now live in this bubble of my own. Where no-one can touch me, hurt me. Where I can block out the noise of people and be completely disconnected.
And I don’t do this intentionally, it’s not planned. But, on reflection, this is what I realise I am doing. And that makes me feel safer. It’s always been where I feel safest.