Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I realise how emotionally detached I can be about my childhood, to keep myself safe.

Had counselling today and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I talked about horrible stuff, in that emotionally detached way I can when I am not safe enough to allow emotions to arise, or be felt.

I explained these deeply painful realisations of how horrendous my childhood was, keep coming. And I don’t invite them, or want them, they just happen. And are constant reminders of how terrible it was.

I explained something that happened this morning, memories of a time when I was around 11, or 12, when I found an old purse with money in it, and handed it in to the police station. The police officer being so nice to me and saying all these nice things about how lovely and honest and kind I was. But, I was really confused. I didn’t know what it was like to have people say genuinely nice things about me like that and it was weird, strange and confusing. I remember it like it was happening now, me, where the counter was, what the police officer looked like, the tone in his voice etc.

This memory shows the contrast between what this police officer was saying, and what I heard at home.

For a child to be so confused about nice things being said, that weren’t about grooming me for abuse, is very telling of the level of abuse I endured daily at home.

My counsellor seemed emotional about this story and verbalised that she was emotional hearing this. That confused me too, because I wonder if it is genuine or not. I don’t want pity or faked emotions, just because I have challenged her not providing safe enough counselling.

I also spoke about my mothers involvement in the abuse from the paedophile and her very telling reaction to me disclosing etc. I spoke about the suicide attempts. And this is all highly emotive and painful trauma to be discussing and when I do at other times feel any of the intense emotions in this, I literally feel like I would rather be dead. But I remained with my emotions completely under control. Detached, matter of fact. Like I was speaking about something normal in life.

I guess it is a start – to discussing the childhood trauma.

I’m aware being detached is my way of dealing with it, and keeps me safe.

I’m aware of my subconscious capacity to dissociate from my emotions about all the trauma, when needed.

And I am all too aware of how young I needed to learn this skill.

And why.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Comments are closed.