This week at counselling, it was all about emotions. And fear. The intensity of emotions, the right to have them and feel them, and my incapacity to deal with them. And all the fear reasons and how intense that fear is.
I tried to explain I know the depth of my increasing understanding of what has happened to me in the first 20 years of my life, outweighs my capacity to deal with intensity of the emotions I feel about it all.
My counsellor said she feels I am stronger than I think I am and she believes I can deal with intensity of the emotions, if I get to a safe enough place to allow them to be felt.
I wonder if she really believes that, or feels obliged to say it? Because to agree with me that I don’t have the capacity to deal with all, is not ‘what counsellors say’. Counsellors are meant to encourage you and tell you – you will make it, you are strong enough.
But, what if she is wrong? What if I am right, and I can’t deal with it. And to try, will kill me. Or put me in hospital.
Many people don’t make it. Many people don’t become stronger through it. For many, it breaks them completely. You just don’t hear about those stories, you only hear about the ‘success’ stories that society then demands everyone should be – shaming many in the process.
Is she just purely invalidating my own understanding of my capacity levels? Or, is she right and I am stronger than I think I am?
Is this her wishful thinking?
Or my lack of understanding of my own strength?
To me, it feels like a seesaw…. as my deeper understanding of the horror of my childhood increases/goes up, on the other side, my capacity to cope is going down…
Is that the reality – or my perception, which is not correct?