Royal Commission news, is heartbreaking, and triggering. But allows me to tap into emotions I am suppressing.

http://www.mamamia.com.au/news/ballarat-royal-comission/

Royal Commission hears of 33 boys in one grade 4, 12 committed suicide, due to abuse. This is beyond heartbreaking. 12, in just one grade committed suicide at the hands of paedophile priests at a Ballarat School.

I would be told I shouldn’t be reading this, I know. It is so painful to know a little of how these boys were feeling, and to know the devastation that led them to want to die. And know that of those who survived, their lives were damaged so badly by all the abuse, in profoundly painful ways.

I know this is triggering emotions about my own suicide attempts in my teens. Which was also due to paedophile abuse. At the time, I did not know of my own mother and step father’s involvement. Now I do.

But, I guess I should be glad I did not know at that time, of their involvement. How I was set up by them. I knew when I saw my step father talking to him, more than a year after I disclosed the abuse myself and my sister endured….. that he was involved. I knew my step father was a sick pervert, I just couldn’t express it, and wasn’t allowed to. In order to stay a part of my ‘family’ – I had to tow the line and stay quiet.

I have no doubt, had I known then my mother was also involved, I would have not survived all the abuse. I would have killed myself. I guess, I should be glad I survived.

My life….. turning on a smile for everyone else, while I increasingly die inside.

My children are about to come home from school, so on goes the fake smile.

My life is now this double life I lead. The one other people see. And the real one inside.

I am dying inside, more and more.

The crushing weight of the dark reality of my past, the crucifying pain it brings, is beyond my capacity to manage.

But still, I turn on the smile, for those who need it.

Healthy and Hopeful Thoughts

I struggle to hold onto these myself…. but I know they are thoughts that help.

I cried…. for all past victims & all potential future victims. Brett Peter Cowan had apppeal refused.

Praise God!

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/daniel-morcombe-murder-brett-cowan-appeals-conviction-20150521-gh6hin.html

There is no way this monster should ever be released. He needs to remain in prison for the rest of his natural life.

I cried – sobbed, when I read this…. for every past victim, including the Morcombe’s and for all future victims that would have been, had this monster been released.

I truly hope and pray this brings some peace to the Morcombe family and all other victims.

Love this Take Me To Church – Hozier …. “I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies”

Love how this is taking aim at the church and all the hypocrisy and hatred they all too often spew at gay people.

It is not just gay people, their hatred is aimed at… it is anything you do not follow along with like a blind sheep…. no matter how unhealthy, how lacking in empathy and no matter how far from Jesus it is.

“If the heavens ever did speak
She’s the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week”

“Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life”

 

Full Lyrics

 

“Take Me To Church”

My lover’s got humour
She’s the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody’s disapproval
I should’ve worshipped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She’s the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

You can be doing everything you are supposed to be doing, and still your life gets worse.

I have been doing everything I am supposed to do.

I’ve been trying to do more exercise, and I now I can’t at all, because my back is so painful and I get hives which are worsening. I started volunteering, and my back pain has now meant I cannot continue. I just went outside to do some gardening, and now my back is really painful. I stopped drinking coffee, and yet my insomnia and nightmares have worsened again lately. I go to counselling. And yet that has become an issue.

I continually try to implement many things into my life, as I am supposed to do. And yet nothing makes my life easier, in fact it has become more painful.