Royal Commission hears of 33 boys in one grade 4, 12 committed suicide, due to abuse. This is beyond heartbreaking. 12, in just one grade committed suicide at the hands of paedophile priests at a Ballarat School.
I would be told I shouldn’t be reading this, I know. It is so painful to know a little of how these boys were feeling, and to know the devastation that led them to want to die. And know that of those who survived, their lives were damaged so badly by all the abuse, in profoundly painful ways.
I know this is triggering emotions about my own suicide attempts in my teens. Which was also due to paedophile abuse. At the time, I did not know of my own mother and step father’s involvement. Now I do.
But, I guess I should be glad I did not know at that time, of their involvement. How I was set up by them. I knew when I saw my step father talking to him, more than a year after I disclosed the abuse myself and my sister endured….. that he was involved. I knew my step father was a sick pervert, I just couldn’t express it, and wasn’t allowed to. In order to stay a part of my ‘family’ – I had to tow the line and stay quiet.
I have no doubt, had I known then my mother was also involved, I would have not survived all the abuse. I would have killed myself. I guess, I should be glad I survived.
Although sometimes, it feels like my death is just being prolonged. I wish often, that I had not survived it. I know I am not ‘supposed’ to think that. But, I do.
I am aware people would say I should not read any Royal Commission info, as it is triggering. But, it also helps me to feel my own intense emotions. Emotions I have to feel and express. Something I hate and do not want to do. But, I know the longer I hold in these emotions, the worse it will be.
It is always easier for me to tap into emotions I feel for others, and their suffering and the empathy I have for them. That then allows me to realise I need to have that empathy and compassion for myself too.