Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I realise my counselling, worsened my shame and trust issues.

Throughout my counselling, no validation or support about how the abuse I suffered was not my fault/blame/shame, was ever offered.

I had to ask recently, for it. After 3 years of counselling. It really is bizarre.

That combined with the continual opinions about abusers and how they ‘should’ be thought about being vocalised, and the continual forcing me to believe the way I think ‘isn’t good enough’, I realise now, made my journey harder.

I don’t believe (or at least I don’t want to) this was intentional, but many counsellors have their own agenda’s and their own personal reasons for needing to view people a certain way and that gets projected onto clients. Even when this is not in the clients best interests.

I do see absolutely clearly, how a counsellors role is to help a severe abuse/sexual abuse/child abuse/child sexual abuse, exploitation survivor…….. to feel safe and to know it wasn’t their fault. And that was never offered to me, until I recently asked for that validation. And I realise that in having to ask, it is too little, too late. Continue reading


Gardening therapy…. some new garden friends.

Gardening has become really important to me. It is part of my own therapy.

I realise I have done most of my own therapy over the last 3 years. Even my first counsellor, stated I do most of my own therapy. I have the capacity to think deeply about everything and process and work it all out. Something I had to develop very young, due to growing in the ‘garden of evil’. Now I am creating a ‘garden of peace’.

Gardening was something I started doing in the last year, as part of my inner child healing I worked I needed. And it is a form of mindfulness too.

I’ve created this little oasis of peace and tranquillity in my back yard and much of it is based on inner child healing work. I have cute, girlie things like fairies and little animals. All stuff that appeals to the inner child in me, who requires ongoing nourishing, healing, safety and kindness. And is allowed to be a child.

My garden is the only place I ever feel close to any peace, any safety and is of great therapeutic quality.

These are some new cute gardening ornaments my husband bought me, as they were on sale. And they are very cute and welcome, pretty addictions to my fairy deck.

DSC_0348-001 Continue reading


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It looks & feels like complete destruction…. but that’s how healing & dealing with shame, goes.

seed

It not only looks like compete destruction, it feels like it too.

In a complex trauma healing journey, the destruction is the trauma of facing the truth, the deep grieving, facing the reality of all the exploitation, all the abuse, all the intentionality in the abuse, all the abandonment and all the legitimate pain and suffering that goes with it.

Healing is about change. Changing ones life from denial, minimizing and all other cognitive distortions used to cope …. to having ones eyes opened about the truth…. and that is intense and takes time.

Even to acknowledge in a real way, how horrific complex trauma is, where child sexual abuse, exploitation, all forms of abuse were suffered, and people you loved wanted to destroy you….. feels like destruction.

Destruction of any hope these people had any love or care within them……. and facing the reality of the opposite of what I held onto for so long. I wanted to believe they loved me and cared about me, and they did not.

I am coming to the point of understanding, they were incapable of love, even for themselves. Their deep inner hatred of themselves, projected outwards, and vomited all over their victims, including me.

I do understand their darkness, their love of hurting others, was actually nothing to do with me…… it was all about their own pathological darkness and self hatred.

I hold separate understandings, at the same time….

1.The understanding of the suffering caused to me, that I every right and need to have all valid emotions about.

And to name that, name the types of abuse endured, name the pathological abuse types used, to come to this deeper understanding and truth.

2. The understanding that their darkness, is about themselves. It was never about me and anything I did wrong.

It was never about whether I was good enough… it was all about ‘their’ lack of being good enough. ‘Their’ deep self loathing. And that part of me, does know this is a terrible place to be in. And I wish no-one was at that place. Whilst also acknowledging they still had choices and they made their choices they knew were wrong and they knew were hurting me. Continue reading


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Standing up for yourself, will make your life worse. The message throughout my life.

Since young childhood onwards, this has been the message I have had. If you stand up for yourself against wrongdoing, against abuse… your life will be made worse.

Even when people are exposed for being liars and evidence is provided, they turn themselves into the victim.

This plays out all the time. As is currently being seen in the Belle Gibson fake cancer situation. She knew in 2011 she did not have cancer, yet continued to lie, target vulnerable people, take their money, gain fame. Then when exposed, she claims to be the victim. Absolute narcissism/sociopathy. People standing up to her, are then called bullies. How dare anyone expose the truth and stand up for her victims, attitude. How dare anyone be upset and annoyed with her, attitude. Victims should be silent, attitude.  Lets shift the blame and shame from her, onto others. Lets make excuses for her.

Psychopathic, sociopathic, narcissistic people rule the world. They ensure that and their enablers and sympathisers, ensure that.

I’ve dealt with this all my life. My family would not allow the truth to be exposed, so engaged in a whole range of silencing, projecting, blame/shame shifting’, abusive strategies, to keep the truth from becoming known.

The paedophile blamed me for what he was doing. The sadistic psychopath, acted the victim in court. He was found guilty and in prison anyway. But it was all over the local news, as to his lies about me. There have been many situations since, where wrong/abuse has been done, and the blame and shame shifted from them, to me.

Every time I have attempted to stand up for myself, rightly so, I have been attacked, abused and harmed by not only the perpetrator of the abuse, but their enablers and supporters. And it continues, only now through social media. Continue reading


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Social media is like a snake pit.

I’ve only ever spoken out about two pages on social media. Despite seeing a lot more bad/non genuine behaviour.

And both of these cases, there was a need to speak out and stand up for myself and others.

One was a man conning people, lying, many people came forward and stated how he had hurt them, his former admins apologised to me for joining in with his abusive actions. He now faces 7 charges of fraud, due to his faking cancer, PTSD, combat. I was absolutely correct about him.

Another is a page who has taken my work from my website used it and not given credit, passing it off as their own and used stolen posters that had been cropped to remove my page name etc. When I approached them, they refused to take down these stolen posters, and posted them again, as an act of defiance. I reported them to Facebook and FB confirmed they were violating FB as per intellectual property theft and removed the stolen work. Confirmation I was correct and within my rights to deal with this. Theft of intellectual property on the internet is a serious issue. It is no different to walking into a shop and stealing. Just because is easy to do it on social medial/the internet, doesn’t make it okay. Theft is theft.

In both of these cases, the actions of these people, I was then accused of, due to projections and people being unable to own their behaviour. Narcissistic people project their own behaviour and blame others, for what they have done and refuse to admit wrongdoing. They then enlist flying monkeys to do their dirty work for them, in their need for revenge and retaliation.

In both of these cases, I had every right to speak up and speak out and both led to considerable cyber bullying and harassment against me. People will believe the lies of others, and run with it. Without even asking me, what has happened.

Social media can be like dealing with a snake pit. Continue reading


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Loss, grief, abandonment, hurt, withdrawing.

Ending counselling is painful. I feel that fear in my chest continually. I keep crying. And then I feel numb and very depressed.

I know abandonment depression is a symptom of Complex PTSD and the loss of any significant relationship, is so hard.

I didn’t sleep at all last night, so I’m running on a deficit of strength. I just want to curl up and cry for hours. Which I probably will again tonight, when my children and husband are in bed.

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Psychopathy is the the No1 Health Crisis. As per an expert in Public Pathology Education.

The reason psychopaths, narcissists & sociopaths are the No1 health crisis, are because they destroy millions of lives.

60 million victims in just the US alone, are being harmed by psychopaths.

Lack of conscience, lack of remorse, lack of empathy are prevalent in all these highly abusive types.

And they do destroy lives.

Dr Robert Hare – the leading psychopath expert, even admits how many times he himself has been fooled by psychopaths.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_D._Hare

Just shows how if the leading experts admit they are fooled, just how many counsellors and mental health professionals will be fooled. As well as all the victims.

These people hide well amongst us, as per Dr Robert Hare.

All narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are predators. What they do, is not by accident. It is intentional and they target people.


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Taking a break from social media.

break from social media

I need a break from my Facebook page. I need a break from social media issues. It is emotionally draining and not a safe place to be, especially when feeling low.

I’m currently dealing with some of the worst parts of my trauma history and now without professional support.

I know I am struggling because my sleep is really bad. Two nights ago I resorted to taking Seroquel to sleep and last night I didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake when my kids got up at 6.30 am.

So, removing one area that is emotional draining from my life, to have better self care is needed.


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Hoping this book will help me deal with this current stage of my journey.

Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame – Beverly Engel

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Emotional-Self-Self-Esteem/dp/0470127783/ref=pd_sim_14_7?ie=UTF8&refRID=111VBQ2GMW2ZK8YX6WDF

healing emotional self

Healing Your Emotional Self “Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children’s self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and accepting of themselves, and create a more positive self-image.

I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child.” –Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents “In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are still limited by the defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found ourselves in as children. Continue reading