I will never be whole. I will always be a shell of a person.

I realise I have been through so much severe trauma, over so many decades, by so many people, I will never be a whole person.

I will never be someone not severely abused. I will never be someone who can be like someone who has not endured all I have.

I realise all I have ever done is survive and exist.

That is all I am doing now.

I realise I am in survival mode, because the further trauma of understanding the previous trauma done to me, means I am in survival mode.

I accept all I am doing is attempting to survive a life I should never have endured, or suffered. I didn’t deserve to suffer.

I am past all the cognitive distortions that do comfort some people; minimizing, rationalising, denial, rose coloured glasses etc.

I am a realist, and I see the reality of my life, and all I have suffered, and I will never be a whole person.

Starting hydrotherapy style swimming, this week.

My back pain and stiffening muscles/joints, are continually worsening, so I have to do something. I’m aware hydrotherapy, in heated water is meant to help for anyone suffering FMS, CFS, ME, RA etc.

I can’t afford classes for hydrotherapy, so I’ll go along to the local public pool that has a pool heated to 32 degrees and just swim.

I’ve googled some of the exercises they do for people with pain and mobility issues and I’ll do those too.