Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Trust issues, continue to cause isolation ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



I am aware I have huge trust issues. I don’t consider people ‘bad’ if I don’t trust them. I just need to protect myself. With good reason. I’m aware I also do give people chances, but once I decide they are no longer trustworthy, that is that.

I’ve brought this up in counselling and I explained as best I could that due to things that were not helpful or okay that have been said, I have trust issues. The trust issues, are based in considerable fear. Fear of being hurt anymore. Fear of being abused. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of many things.

Severe, prolonged, interpersonal trauma, does this to you. And is very valid. Abnormal life experiences, mean someone sees life differently – due to the greater/deeper experiences endured…… to those who have led more average lives. And when it involves past and more recent trauma by church people, issues within my marriage….. that fear of trust, keeps going.

If I could focus on trauma just being within the first half of my life, it might be easier. But, my trauma history, has been throughout my entire life. And by many people. I also realise, due to having to process the extent and depth of severity of my trauma history – which is more trauma …. I am in survival mode. And that creates greater issues with trust, fear, withdrawing – all those things that I have needed to deal with, to survive.

My whole life has been about survival. It continues to be about survival.

Yet, I can stop and assess and see the situation from outside of that survival mode. And see that people, like my counsellor, who have hurt me – albeit unintentionally – have been relegated to the ‘I cannot trust you’ pile……. simply because I am terrified to let anyone hurt me. I am terrified they will let me down more, cause me more pain, abandon me….. so if I withdraw…. I protect myself from that.

This week, I didn’t go to counselling. It was a bad few days and I couldn’t face my counsellor. I couldn’t face seeing her reaction, because I knew I couldn’t barf up some positivity. I couldn’t face anything remotely hurtful. No matter how unintentional. And I am very sensitive. Yet, at those times of feeling my worst, counselling is where I am meant to be. But, I see my need to withdraw, to save myself from any hurt, is far greater than my need to reach out. Because I don’t trust the reaction I may receive.

Trust, and the fear of it… is a nightmare for complex trauma survivors.

It absolutely keeps you isolated.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

12 thoughts on “Trust issues, continue to cause isolation ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. My heart hurts for you reading this. I am so sorry for all of the pain you have endured and continue to endure and everything that comes along with it. Please know you have my continued support, prayers and best wishes. ❤

  2. I feel your pain on this one too.I have had multiple counselors that haven’t been good for me..Sometimes they were incredibly good for me and then one thing they might have said, scared me to death because I wasn’t ready to deal with it..It’s a painful process to confront your feelings, your fear head on…Don’t be too hard on yourself..Take a break and maybe go back when you feel ready..<3

  3. I feel the pain. I know it too well to Lilly. One day though you might just have to do it. Trust sometime. I know I can’t talk. But I was trusting of you to tell you stuff which was the hugest ever and took that leap because I didn’t want to hurt you or make you feel deceived. So I had your interests at heart. Still do its just hard sometimes when you want to help someone so badly but you can’t because of trust. Hugs to you my sweet friend. Xxx don’t publish this reply if you don’t want.

  4. Reblogged this on adifferentlifebeinglived and commented:
    Trust issues are so huge with survivors.

  5. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle and the pain & frustration of knowing you’ve become your own gaoler is such an ironic twist. I feel for you, as I sit in my own cage with door wide open.

  6. I had a similar issue come up with my counselor at one time. I went back though, and we discussed it, and I felt better after getting it out there, and then we could work through the issue that came up. This is part of the work we need to do, to learn to speak up and out about our own needs, and to face things people do that hurt us head on and deal with them, even when it’s hard (and the sooner the better, it only gets harder with passing time). Many of us have been conditioned to not “rock the boat”, or “to be seen and not heard”, and fall into the shadows easier than standing up for ourselves in the sun. I highly recommend going back and talking it out, and if you don’t like the outcome, perhaps look into getting another counselor. If they can’t accept open discussion about their own behaviors then they aren’t really very good counselors.

  7. I want to say that she is not alone. I feel exactly the same way! I’ve had trauma all of my life, too. I am now facing issues with people where I have withdrawn and feel as if I should withdraw. There is no point. It seems I have something written on my forehead that says in essence, “I enjoy abuse so go ahead.” Just want to say that I struggle much.

  8. I understand completely! I’ve had some really inconsiderate therapists & some very good ones. It’s so important to feel comfortable with a therapist considering the fact that you’re putting all your trauma out there, and asking for help with coping, ptsd, cptsd, etc. See if you can discuss what was said openly, if not maybe seek another therapist. Trust issues are the hardest for me too. I’m so terrified of being hurt again and even talking about what has happened. Some people have been thoughtless and inconsiderate with their actions and words in regards to the seriousness of what I’ve been through. It’s so hard to open up after people say rude or inconsiderate statements. I have bruises on me right now from my new puppy & just looking at them is causing me to have flashbacks etc. Things have been said by some therapists that are spot on & some things are just way off base, or are things that I simply can’t handle or I’m simply not ready to. Boundaries are important to establish because once they’re crossed it’s difficult to concentrate on what you really need to focus on: healing and learning to trust again.

  9. Pingback: Trust issues, continue to cause isolation ~ Lilly Hope Lucario | Ms. Ladybug and her Layers

  10. “But, I see my need to withdraw, to save myself from any hurt, is far greater than my need to reach out. Because I don’t trust the reaction I may receive.”

    This is so spot on. I’m struggling right now with this very thing.