I am aware I have huge trust issues. I don’t consider people ‘bad’ if I don’t trust them. I just need to protect myself. With good reason. I’m aware I also do give people chances, but once I decide they are no longer trustworthy, that is that.
I’ve brought this up in counselling and I explained as best I could that due to things that were not helpful or okay that have been said, I have trust issues. The trust issues, are based in considerable fear. Fear of being hurt anymore. Fear of being abused. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of many things.
Severe, prolonged, interpersonal trauma, does this to you. And is very valid. Abnormal life experiences, mean someone sees life differently – due to the greater/deeper experiences endured…… to those who have led more average lives. And when it involves past and more recent trauma by church people, issues within my marriage….. that fear of trust, keeps going.
If I could focus on trauma just being within the first half of my life, it might be easier. But, my trauma history, has been throughout my entire life. And by many people. I also realise, due to having to process the extent and depth of severity of my trauma history – which is more trauma …. I am in survival mode. And that creates greater issues with trust, fear, withdrawing – all those things that I have needed to deal with, to survive.
My whole life has been about survival. It continues to be about survival.
Yet, I can stop and assess and see the situation from outside of that survival mode. And see that people, like my counsellor, who have hurt me – albeit unintentionally – have been relegated to the ‘I cannot trust you’ pile……. simply because I am terrified to let anyone hurt me. I am terrified they will let me down more, cause me more pain, abandon me….. so if I withdraw…. I protect myself from that.
This week, I didn’t go to counselling. It was a bad few days and I couldn’t face my counsellor. I couldn’t face seeing her reaction, because I knew I couldn’t barf up some positivity. I couldn’t face anything remotely hurtful. No matter how unintentional. And I am very sensitive. Yet, at those times of feeling my worst, counselling is where I am meant to be. But, I see my need to withdraw, to save myself from any hurt, is far greater than my need to reach out. Because I don’t trust the reaction I may receive.
Trust, and the fear of it… is a nightmare for complex trauma survivors.
It absolutely keeps you isolated.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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