Due to being a victim of intense grooming abuse, several times….. by a paedophile (as a child), a psychopath (as a teenager), a narc minister (as an adult)…. I have experienced the issues that go on within this prolonged grooming abuse and the layers of trauma and shame is intense.
I’ve not been able to raise this before – and yet I did today. Which is interesting in itself…. as I have experienced feeling unsafe in counselling, and yet I know I would have to feel safe’ish to bring this up. (will ponder at that more).
I brought up the grooming process…. how due to being a severely abused and neglected child, adolescent and adult……I wanted the attention of these people…. because any attention no matter how depraved the person is… was better than none.
And it goes further than that. At times I enjoyed their attention. My body responded at the beginning – the way it is meant to with physical/ sexual contact. But these were depraved, disgusting, vile human beings that were 100% abusing me, even if I didn’t know that, or didn’t know until they had their hooks in enough, to then start abusing me in a way that I knew was abuse. Then it was too late. They then went on to abuse me further horrifically for long periods of time. And they made sure I wanted their company at the beginning, all part of their grooming process.
I know on an intellectual level the grooming process, so intentional and deliberate…. was to manipulate and brainwash me into accepting what they were doing, in a way that at the beginning, I did not resist. This makes me feel sick… physically nauseous. It makes me feel disgust. At them, but also at myself. The shame I feel at having loved some of them ( my mother I include in this as she was complicit in this abuse), at having sexual contact with some of them… makes me have self loathing. The shame they inflicted that was all theirs, I have internalised and I realise it is not mine to feel… but I do.
I struggled to talk about this, shut down a bit, couldn’t talk for long about it. I couldn’t look at my counsellor when attempting to speak. She dealt with it well. She didn’t push me to speak about it more than I was able. She validated she could see my struggle, my pain. She said the right things. It was okay. I wouldn’t say I felt safe. Nothing about talking about the deeper stuff, feels safe.
I realise this is progress and takes courage to deal with this. It is horrible, disgusting, vile, shame inducing abuse. It takes great courage to deal with the reality and truth of it all. I did also discuss how I know I have to go through this. I have to confront my ‘legitimate suffering’ as Dr. M.Scott Peck (of which my counsellor is a fan) speaks about. And confronting the truth, the suffering, the grieving and the worst of it all, and all the intense emotions… is legitimate suffering. That was validated too, by my counsellor. As everything was that we discussed.
I continue, no matter how much it hurts, to move forward in processing and dealing with it all. It is horrendous.
But, I hold hope that it is leading to better in the future.
I shared this on my page, and I was nervous in doing so…. but I know whatever I am going through and feel, others will be too. And it is my aim to help people to know they are not alone in this.
It was received well, with one comment saying “Wow Lilly thank you for being so open, courageous & brave and say the things so many of us are not ready to say or think. You really are helping so many with your courage, hugs <3″
June 10, 2015 at 12:28 am
You’re right about how much courage it takes to talk about the things in this post. You should be really proud of accomplishing this!!
Reading this post helps me to feel OK about myself & more accepting of myself which eases the grip if shame.
What really triggers shame for me is that there are people who know more about my abuse than I do because I dissociated & have blanks.
I can’t describe how disturbing it is to have people know events in your own life that you don’t know. Makes me hide all the time.
June 10, 2015 at 5:41 pm
Thank you for your kind words ❤
I can see how the not knowing about stuff, and other people knowing about stuff we can't remember is upsetting, unsettling and can cause anxiety and a range of emotions. I wrestle with the horrible fact that I don't know all of what happened, probably even about things done to myself, because I learned dissociation young.
I think acknowledging we have shame, we are allowed anger, we are allowed all our emotions…. actually helps us manage them and as you say 'eases the grip'.
It is in the feeling like we 'shouldn't' feel the way we do, being 'told' we should think/feel differently etc…. that causes far greater issues.
Now I realise no-one gets to tell me, or other survivors how to feel, think about what happened to them.
It is okay how we feel. Another validation from John Shore in his writings.