Shame, pressure, people’s opinions, people judging – no matter who they are, especially those who have never walked my journey….all adds to the stress and makes my life worse, and affects my wellbeing.
So, removing, or reducing that shame & pressure and ignoring other people’s demands, opinions and judgments…. has been a way forward for me.
Two areas I have noticed a huge impact.
1. The pressure to be healed/recovered. This black and white thinking drive, that everyone can be healed/recovered and they are weak if they don’t. Comparison to others. All shaming.
I see clearly how much shaming goes on in the mental health/medical field, and advocacy field. The pressure and demand to recover is usually based upon comparison to someone who had a ‘better case scenario’. Mental health policy is based upon the those who suffer the least, who are least impacted. The comparison made between basing physical health policy for cancer – on stage 1 patients only. Not stage 4 – those with the least chance of recovery and those suffering the most.
I won’t allow anyone to demand I recover in full anymore. I don’t allow anyone to demand anything of me, because that makes me feel worse, shames me and makes me feel like I am weak… because I don’t meet their demands, criteria, opinions, judgments.
And since I stopped allowing all this……. I feel better and actually more able to continue forward in my journey.
Allowing myself to view my journey the way ‘I’ need to, and not the way others demand, has improved my wellbeing and moved me further along my journey.
It was other people’s demands, opinions and shaming, impacting me, that was holding me back.
2. The pressure and demand as to how I ‘should’ view my abusers and how I ‘should’ feel about all the abuse. How I should feel about them. How I should ‘forgive’ them etc. All shaming.
No-one has a right to project their opinions on me as to how I should feel about what happened to me, or those who caused it.
I am entitled to my full range of emotions. I need to feel them, safely. I don’t have to hide my suffering, because it bothers other people, who lack empathy. I don’t have to deny or minimize my legitimate suffering.
I need to grieve and that will take as long as it takes, and no-one else gets to demand how long that should take.
I don’t have to forgive those who caused great harm to me intentionally. And my journey to healing does not require forgiving those who intended to cause me much suffering. And I will not allow anyone to shame me in that way, or shift blame onto me for being the ‘bad person’, if I don’t do what they demand.
And since I started allowing myself to view it this way…… I actually feel less negative emotions towards my abusers, and less pent up anxiety and fear.
The permission to feel what I need to feel……… has actually lessoned the intensity of those emotions.
It was not allowing myself to feel what I need to feel….. due to being shamed into not thinking and feeling the way I needed to, that made it worse.
All showing how much people are impacted by ‘other people’s opinions’. Which are simply that. And their opinions do not apply to all and unless they have actually endured similar, their opinion means even less.
Basically, no-one else gets to project their issues about all this, onto me.
No-one gets to ‘tell’ me how I ‘should’ think or feel.
And no-one gets to shame me in the process.
I’ve been shamed today. Told by a psychiatrist my view that demanding recovery from all mental illness can shame people, was wrong. (Even though other more insightful mental health professionals have written about this too). Outright told on social media, I am wrong and ‘he is right’. Because he chooses to follow ‘best case scenario’ policy based mental health drives, regardless of how they do not help everyone. He shamed me, on social media. Basically told me I am wrong, and so to say I feel shamed by these demands, was wrong. And quite frankly, how dare he shame me. But, he did. Instead of listening to my view….. he just ignored it and compared me to others he has worked with.
(Since this conversation, I received an apology from this professional and it was noted that the black and white way people view recovery, is not helpful and in fact, it can often hinder people, by adding more shame to their issues).
I am glad to note, that regardless of these un-empathic and shaming views of others……..and how people will demand you see it their way and their ego’s to believe they must be right …… I can now rise above their shaming and see this is ‘their’ issues. Their ‘opinion’ only. And I can ignore it too.
Since, I took the pressure off myself to not have to comply with societal beliefs, unwise professional beliefs, toxic religious beliefs….. my wellbeing has improved.
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