A very powerful song & video clip. This is about suicide. The pain. The Stigma. The shame. The reality.

***Trigger Warning*** This is about suicide. Which does occur in many complex trauma/child abuse survivors and awareness of this, is needed.

This song was emailed to me by the singer/songwriter, to see what I thought.

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Lyrics – Shell Shocked

I’m shell shocked
from my childhood
This is why I’m like I am
Yet I can still feel good

I copped a lot of shrapnel when
I was you I was shooting blanks for years
Now I take my time a
and I still shed some tears

I’ve got a paranoid streak
and at times it’s handy
Although I’m still learning to love
sometimes I still can’t stand me

I’m shell shocked
Its’ travelled to my brain
Sometimes I borderline
A world where it’s all gone insane
It’s all gone insane do do do do do do do
Do do do do do

My mindfulness, my enjoyment, my stress reduction, my inner child healing, my escape… my gardens.

Pics from round my gardens, where I spend time every day, pottering around…

I utilise my gardens for many reasons. Including being where I escape to, when my anxiety is raised, my stress levels are up, and children and husband are pushing my buttons.

My gardens and lovely areas to sit and have a cup of tea, help soothe my mind. They give me something creative and positive to do. They create mindfulness in a way I can regularly participate. They help with inner child healing, and are something so pretty to look at.

I love my flowers, my fairy’s, my cute stuff.

A perfectly wonderful and highly adaptive coping strategy, that aids wellbeing, and promotes healing.

My post to my page today, about what I always try to keep in mind when writing…

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I don’t base my work, on those who have the ‘best case scenario’ – which is having moderately impacting symptoms/trauma, quality therapy and good support and a loving family.

Why?

Because that is not the reality for many. Many don’t have access to quality therapy. Many don’t have people in their lives who understand and are supportive. Many don’t have family who care.

I base my work, on the most challenging situations, the ones where most suffering is occurring. Because, I have empathy and compassion for people enduring such hardship and doing it alone.

I don’t base my work on my own situation, because I know there are people out there suffering more than I am, and my heart hurts for those people.

Sadly, many don’t view it this way and hurt people in the process.

Mental health policy, mental health advocacy, helping people who have experienced trauma, should be based on what can be the worst situations, so those people suffering that much, feel compassion, feel they are cared for, they are understood, feel empathy from others.

Due to mental health policy being based on the ‘least impacted/suffering’ people, I realise why I feel shamed in counselling.

I’ve often felt in counselling like I am only ‘good enough’ when I’m ‘doing well’ – when I am progressing and able to be positive.

I’ve often felt shamed and unable to speak how I’m ‘not doing well’ and now I’m at the point where when I’m at my worst, I don’t go. Because I can’t handle the reaction… the look of disappointment….the look for boredom. If I can’t barf up some positivity – to please her, I’m not doing well enough.

It’s like a constant shaming process….. if I’m doing as I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing – I’m good enough. If I’m not doing well, that’s not good enough. In fact, it was made clear to me recently if I’m not doing well…. it’s okay I don’t turn up at counselling. I guess that sends a pretty clear message and helps her avoid having to deal with me. I, however, realise counselling is meant to be a safe place where I can reach out when I am at my worst.

I realise after research about mental health policy…. how recovery driven it is. Based upon the highest functioning and least suffering clients.

My counsellor asked me to look through the mental health policy – and I see how ‘you must recover’ driven it is. It is so black and white in it’s drives and goals. I got pissed off reading it after the gazillionth ‘recover’ wording used, and stopped.

I realised this policy is based on people with the best case scenario, with the least impacting mental health issues, who have quality therapy and good support. That is not the reality for many people.