Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

A very powerful song & video clip. This is about suicide. The pain. The Stigma. The shame. The reality.


***Trigger Warning*** This is about suicide. Which does occur in many complex trauma/child abuse survivors and awareness of this, is needed.

This song was emailed to me by the singer/songwriter, to see what I thought.

Lyrics – Shell Shocked

I’m shell shocked
from my childhood
This is why I’m like I am
Yet I can still feel good

I copped a lot of shrapnel when
I was you I was shooting blanks for years
Now I take my time a
and I still shed some tears

I’ve got a paranoid streak
and at times it’s handy
Although I’m still learning to love
sometimes I still can’t stand me

I’m shell shocked
Its’ travelled to my brain
Sometimes I borderline
A world where it’s all gone insane
It’s all gone insane do do do do do do do
Do do do do do

I’m still here
I stand with no shame
I didn’t let it take my heart I
realise there is no blame

I’m still here, I’m still here
I don’t want to break your heart
I realize you too got pain

Now I’m a rollin’ dice
when I’m in a down mood
But when I’m up do you handle me will you
handle me Being real to you

I’m shell shocked
its’ travelled to my brain
Sometimes I borderline
A world where it’s all gone insane
It’s all gone insane it’s all gone insane
do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do

I’m shell shocked
From my life
This is why I’m like I am
But I can still feel good I can still feel good
I can still feel good Even on a bad day
I can still feel good I can still feel good
I can still feel good Much better on a good day

I’m shell shocked
it’s travelled to my brain
Sometimes I boarderline
A world where it’s all gone Insane

Much Love and Light to you

This was my response..

“Thank you so much for emailing me and drawing my attention to your powerful song and this movie clip.

I always know when something is amazing, as it hits me right in my heart and at the core of my soul. This song and accompanying video clip, did this. It made me cry, but in a good way. It broke my heart because, not only have I been there – attempting suicide, but because I know so many others have/are, due to severe PTSD/Complex PTSD/Depression. And I know the hurtful reactions we get, the stigma, the lack of empathy…. is so painful and re-traumatising.

If it is okay for me to say, I am really proud of you for this song. I am amazed at your ability to express your emotions so deeply and in a way that many will relate to. And please know, I can see the depth of trauma/suffering you have endured/endure, and I am so sorry. I hope I can be supportive to you.

With your approval, I am going to add this to my blog, and then people can have the opportunity to view it, with a trigger warning, in case it is too emotive and triggering for some. But, only with your permission?

Much love and support, Lilly Hope Lucario ❤ “

The amazing and brave songwriter/singers response.. was permission to post this video and thanking me for all my work, along with other info, which remains confidential ❤

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

9 thoughts on “A very powerful song & video clip. This is about suicide. The pain. The Stigma. The shame. The reality.

  1. Oh I will watch tomorrow when in better mind. Nice of her to share

  2. Only those who have been there can understand all the undercurrents in this film. It is debatable if we ever truly return from ‘Hell’s Door’ where we stood poised between the worlds. I have been to hell and found it was right here on earth. But the way back over parched dry tinder-lands was so painful. Only those who have trod this path and find they are still here can understand this. I leave one final note. There is light for some; those that survive against their will to fight for the rest of their lives.

    • Thank you, David, for your comment about “Heel’s Door”. I have said for many many years that to me (a CPTSD-er) that Hell is living in this world. I fight–and have for many many years (now 54) to save my own life (as typical, I have tribe inside that wars with itself; I have finally learned this is a normal reaction for CPTSD), though I am mindful of whom I share this with).

      ~Love and Light,

    • Wow, David – Yes – I relate – I thought suicide was the only way to stop my my body reaction to the thoughts and pictures that would not stop- whether in dreams or awake in waking time. At one point I could not define between dreaming and wake time. I walked around like this physical world was the dream- I felt like I was a complete crackpot. There is light – and the more we get to know ourselves, the more light there is. Thank you

  3. Thank you, Lilly. I needed this today as this is how I feel today. The Angels have interceded in many ways through several people today, you being one of them. The video is POWERFUL. I watched it twice. The nurse was marvelous, and the doctor, like so many I’ve had, cold and uncaring–this is reality in the United States. I struggle to understand my CPTSD every day. SOme days I feel very good–as though I don’t need more therapy, which is a pipe dream! I need therapy and I need love. I don’t often find it my world, but I find, hope love and strength here.

    Thank you doesn’t even really cut it. There are no words that can fulfill the gratitude I have for your posts.


  4. I found a longer version of the video and take back what I said about the nurse in the video being “great” (or something like that). She obvioulsy cares, yet still remains somewhat ignorant.

    I e-mailed the link to the producer (Jennifer) and thanked her for this as I have struggled with suicidal feelings (more like wanting to die) with this for many many years (I am now 54).

    It’s a sort of double-whammy for me as my father committed suicide when I was 13 months old. My abuse started with my mother when I was 6 (possibly before . . . unsure if poor attachment at that time due to high volume of “caretaking” by other family members and babysitters) when my mother began abusing me psychologically, emotionally, and verbally after her re-marriage and subsequent birth of my half-sister 8.5 months later.

    My life has been stressful and confusing since I was 6 years old. I’m somewhat accomplished (acheived BA and masters degree in my early and mid-40s, but the fields I chose have turned out to be not conducive to healing for me (social welfare programs and polices). I’m struggling right now to find employment that I can tolerate, and I’m reliant financially on a partner who is wrong for me (not abusive like previous relationships, simply not the best–or even close–match for me)

    My CPTSD history includes more losses than most in life (save my felllow CPTSD healing journey-ers). Lots and lots of death and betrayal.

    Spirit is working through you, Lilly, and me, too, and the others who come her for solace, even though I have a hard time believing it/trusting it sometimes (I have an intolerance for “religion”, but very much believe and feel spiritual things in a way I think “normies” or “ignorants” are unable to.

    Love and Light,


    • True to your heart, Ivy – I get a great sense that all people that have been taken to the brink of a sense of insanity from the aftermath of trauma in youth, or the ongoing traumatic events that many have walked into blindly (not knowing), have also been taken into the depth of the fine lines of emotion and different aspects of the ego mind, thus all who have pushed through the dark walk of traumatic events, have a greater understanding of pain-that can help other people immensely through their own traumas. Education is the key-and this blog site is all about that -Spirit is definitely working through here.

      Lilly, David and you and others alike and for that I am grateful. Here is song link to lyrics on this post. https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/shell-shocked/id995465665?i=995465668

      We all have a way of climbing out of the myre – You don’t have to download – but you can hear part of it. It’s my way of doing my part for others that are either going through CPTSD/PTSD and struggling – or who have made it through the worst- or for those that don’t understand their friends or family that are going through it.

      The stigma surrounding topic has to change- and thank you so much for your enlightenment surrounding this issue that invades so many families in all walks of life.

      Love and Light


  5. This is enough to rip one’s heart out!