All the many levels of shame…. was/is never mine to feel. But I still do.

June 18, 2015 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 6 Comments

As I have no-one in my life to validate and tell me these words ‘it’s not my shame’, I will keep saying it to myself, until I finally and hopefully believe it.

Shame is something that has plagued my entire life and continues to. It’s something I will probably feel for the rest of my life.

Child sexual abuse survivors, who were groomed and have parents involved……. suffer so many levels of painful and horrific shame…

My shame issues are…

Shame of not being loved. By parents. By family. By anyone.

Shame of the actual child sexual abuse, which is due to the loss of innocence and violation of the child’s body in the worst possible way.

Shame of the issues that occur within being groomed and how they manipulate their victims to actually want what they are doing at the beginning. And other deep issues that occur within intense grooming of children/teenagers.

Shame of ‘victim blaming’ that occurs at the time – being made to believe you deserve it and nothing better. And then later victim blaming throughout adulthood and is rife throughout society and toxic religious people.

Shame of being treated so badly when disclosing the child sexual abuse, and further shame inflicted.

Shame of ‘shame shifting’ where the shame that ‘is’ the abusers, gets transferred to the victim, by many.

Shame of being ‘made’ to have compassion and forgiveness for those who we do ‘not’ in fact have to have any compassion or forgiveness for. And being made to feel like ‘we’ are the ones who are ‘wrong/bad’ if we don’t and other people projecting they are ‘better’ than us, if they claim to forgive/have compassion. More shaming.

Shame of having mental health issues and all many stigma and ignorance issues, leading to more shame. How not ‘recovering well/quick enough’, is shaming. Not being positive/happy enough, is shaming. Etc.

Shame of feeling like there is something wrong with you because all this happened to you, and the belief system that there is something intrinsically wrong with you – if even your own parents wanted to hurt you this much and never loved you.

Shame of isolation, lack of support, lack of anyone who genuinely cares.

Shame of all the many toxic religious attitudes towards victims of abuse and the shame/blame shifting that occurs.

I’ve endured all of this. I still endure some of it.

This is heavy load of shame to carry.

I have no-one who matters in my life who tells me, this shame and blame, is not mine. Not even my counsellor.

I know intellectually all the abuse, grooming, my mother and step fathers abuse, is absolutely ‘their’ shame, blame and guilt.

But, they projected it all onto me. Made me feel I am bad. And I still struggle with it all. I realise if they not made the ‘choices’ they did to harm me so profoundly, I wouldn’t feel any of this shame. So, it is entirely their shame. No matter what occurred in their own lives, they still made choices to harm me. Their actions. Their choices. Their blame. Their fault. Their guilt. Their lack of remorse. Their shame.

I guess, not being told from anyone who matters in my life, what I need to hear, affects me. Still.

I realise I am on my own, in so many ways and will have to validate the truth, to myself and keep telling myself what I need to hear… until I actually believe it.

If that in fact, ever happens.