Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The never ending cycle… and the ongoing wish I could be dead.


It had been a few okay days, but as normal it never lasts. The reality of my life, always catches up and refuses to be avoided for long.

My family are sat eating dinner and I can’t eat. I will vomit if I try to eat.

It’s been a really bad day. So much anxiety and pain, the continual realisation of having no adults in my life who care about me. Knowing I need a very different type of husband and counsellor. Knowing I am never ‘good enough’ to have the basic needs in life – love, someone who considers my needs, some one who cares enough to say what I need to hear to help me about my past. Someone I can trust. One person who actually cares about me.

Having no-one, is a wound that keeps bleeding.

A painful wound that oozes suffering, along with all the other wounds, that keep me within this state of fear, grieving, shame and depression.

My past has destroyed me. My current situation in life, continues to destroy me.

I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “The never ending cycle… and the ongoing wish I could be dead.

  1. I’m so sorry you are suffering sweety. I hope you have a few better days to come. If you need to talk i’m here..about anything..I care! You deserve love & happiness. You deserve understanding..I know it doesn’t feel like it when our husbands don’t ‘get it’ or even the counselor.
    A new counselor can be yet ‘another scary step’. I know I have been there..I have changed so many due to moving homes so many times..Keep hoping sweety..Keep that hope alive so you can get through your lowest moments..You are here for so many people through your blog, but YOU need love & support too. Much Love x

  2. I wish I knew what happened to me. I don’t remember. I know incidents. I know my NM always said ” why can’t you remember the nice times”? I try but can’t. Why? I know I feel the same way. I’m not living my life. I’m living a life. Someone else’s version of what it is. I don’t think I would have chosen a life like this. So all I do is ask why? Why am I here? Why do I exist with all of my fears, abandonment issues, insecurities, lack of feeling, love, no association, or people that care. How did that happen? So terribly confusing and I’m 60 y/o.

  3. I feel the same way and want you to know that I understand how painful all this is and I would encourage you to stay connected .

  4. Hi. You sound like your writing my story. I too feel like an orphan. No family or friends to support me. Only work against me. That’s what happens to the truth tellers. Our enemy hates to be noticed. Hates it even more that we bring light to a subject that’s been hidden for a long time.
    I suffer from anxious thoughts and depression as well. I came to understand that god has let me in on a secret that the devil doesn’t want me to know. And I feel like a target because of it. I feel isolated and alone. God knows exactly where your at. He’s never lost sight of you. I truly know the feeling of not having someone who really loves me and the fear of letting someone get close to me.
    We have suffered at the hands of the worst kind of predator. Trauma doesn’t just come in the form of car accidents. Your soul has been violated. Your belief in the goodness. of others has been purposely manipulated. Hopes of love have been disfigured. We now don’t trust our own instinct or judgment.
    Narcissists are vessels of the devil. They come to rob steal and destroy.
    I can hear the despair in your words so I say please take heart. It is Lonely and painful in the wilderness. It is gods training ground. I believe he isolates us to come into a better relationship with him as he truly is the only one we have to rely on. He wants us to trust him and in learning to do so can be a strenuous and unwearied teaching and training.
    I say the same things. God I just don’t want to do this or feel this way anymore. It is through our pain that he tempers our character to produce the results he’s looking for. The pupil giving promise of good future works. I encourage you to praise god in the depths of your lonliness.

  5. Your heavenly father loves you. He sent you to this world with a very special plan and purpose. The lord told is he’ll never leave or forsake us. I know sometimes it just hurts so bad but in our weakness his strength is made perfect.
    I believe that god is going to use you to ease the suffering of others and only someone who knows this pain is able to minister to others with this affliction. I pray for gods encouragement for you. This season will pass.