It had been a few okay days, but as normal it never lasts. The reality of my life, always catches up and refuses to be avoided for long.
My family are sat eating dinner and I can’t eat. I will vomit if I try to eat.
It’s been a really bad day. So much anxiety and pain, the continual realisation of having no adults in my life who care about me. Knowing I need a very different type of husband and counsellor. Knowing I am never ‘good enough’ to have the basic needs in life – love, someone who considers my needs, some one who cares enough to say what I need to hear to help me about my past. Someone I can trust. One person who actually cares about me.
Having no-one, is a wound that keeps bleeding.
A painful wound that oozes suffering, along with all the other wounds, that keep me within this state of fear, grieving, shame and depression.
My past has destroyed me. My current situation in life, continues to destroy me.
I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.
I want to go to sleep and never wake up.