Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It looks & feels like complete destruction…. but that’s how healing & dealing with shame, goes.

12 Comments

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It not only looks like compete destruction, it feels like it too.

In a complex trauma healing journey, the destruction is the trauma of facing the truth, the deep grieving, facing the reality of all the exploitation, all the abuse, all the intentionality in the abuse, all the abandonment and all the legitimate pain and suffering that goes with it.

Healing is about change. Changing ones life from denial, minimizing and all other cognitive distortions used to cope …. to having ones eyes opened about the truth…. and that is intense and takes time.

Even to acknowledge in a real way, how horrific complex trauma is, where child sexual abuse, exploitation, all forms of abuse were suffered, and people you loved wanted to destroy you….. feels like destruction.

Destruction of any hope these people had any love or care within them……. and facing the reality of the opposite of what I held onto for so long. I wanted to believe they loved me and cared about me, and they did not.

I am coming to the point of understanding, they were incapable of love, even for themselves. Their deep inner hatred of themselves, projected outwards, and vomited all over their victims, including me.

I do understand their darkness, their love of hurting others, was actually nothing to do with me…… it was all about their own pathological darkness and self hatred.

I hold separate understandings, at the same time….

1.The understanding of the suffering caused to me, that I every right and need to have all valid emotions about.

And to name that, name the types of abuse endured, name the pathological abuse types used, to come to this deeper understanding and truth.

2. The understanding that their darkness, is about themselves. It was never about me and anything I did wrong.

It was never about whether I was good enough… it was all about ‘their’ lack of being good enough. ‘Their’ deep self loathing. And that part of me, does know this is a terrible place to be in. And I wish no-one was at that place. Whilst also acknowledging they still had choices and they made their choices they knew were wrong and they knew were hurting me.

To know what they did, was never actually about me in any way…… is the understanding needed to deal with their shame – they projected onto me.

I was always good enough and I still am. I never did anything wrong. I never deserved what they did.

Their failure to see that, their choices to abuse, was their own darkness projected and never about me, in any way.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

12 thoughts on “It looks & feels like complete destruction…. but that’s how healing & dealing with shame, goes.

  1. I don’t know if they all have inner self loathing to be honest some of them like it love it need it. Or they wired that way. Where does the self hate come into it. From the abusers. ? Some people only have the thoughts about pedophilia but don’t act on it, it’s when they act on it they become sex offenders. I’m sure they hate themselves more I know I would. Some abusers believe wholeheartedly sex with children is fine.

    • Yes, I think some of them have issues that are about the self loathing they would feel if they accepted the truth about themselves.
      Like paedophilia. To acknowledge how vile and disgusting that is, is too hard for them and so they justify it.
      They can’t face the truth, and the self loathing they would feel. So they pretend to themselves that it is okay and some also pretend to themselves that the children want it.
      That’s how they shame their victims too.
      I don’t know that I buy into paedophilia being a mental illness, and I definitely do not buy into it being a sexual preference.
      And most paedophiles have never been abused themselves as children.
      I think it is just evil at work.

      • Yeah I don’t know fully about it as a mental illness but I’ve read a few stories now that are men who think about but would never act on it cos they know it’s wrong.

  2. Also please tell yourself it was never your fault as much as you can. I have told myself a million times it was my fault so I guess I have to say 2 million times that I wasn’t to blame. Still don’t believe it yet hopefully one day I will stop thinking I’m a slut and a whore and always have been. But we need to counteract our beliefs. Thinking of you lots. Take care please. X

  3. Believing it at our core that it was NOT out fault, is the toughest part. I am still not there yet after years of therapy. It gets easier though! ❤ Take care

    • It is such a hard and painful issue to deal with.

      I realise my own therapy, which has never included any validation or support about how it was not my fault, blame, shame etc…. has worsened my belief that I was in some way responsible. That combined with the continual drive to tell me how I feel about abusers ‘isn’t good enough’, has made my life worse and created more shame.

      So, I will deal with alone.

      I hope it does get easier, for you, me and all of us.

      • I’m so sorry that you were told that your feelings about your abusers ‘weren’t good enough’.That is ridiculous! You have every right to your anger, pain and turmoil! Sounds like people were projecting onto you! Take your time and deal with it in whatever way is helpful to you and eventually when you feel ready again, find a counselor who specialises in trauma & providing validation & re-parenting! Much love ❤

      • Thank you, you are very kind and compassionate ❤

  4. i encountered this word complex trauma only yesterday after 22 year therapy. finally i seem to lay a finger on the source of massive suffering brutality and damaged mental faculties. this article even mentions one conept i had awakened to….the intentionlity of the abuse.
    trauma in general, such as a car accident is easier to resolve because its just a bad or unlucky event.
    in complex trauma i noted my life long struggle was not just bad things cropping up but that there were these bad people who were intentionally harming me.
    in my case one of care givers was beating me senseless at age 5 and he had continued to demand my availaility for abuse durin the 22 year therapy which was manifesting as ongoing conflict.

    • I am so sorry you have endured complex trauma such severe abuse.

      I have come to comprehend the intentionality of abuse and harm by many people in my life, and it is devastating.

      This deeper understanding, requires us to need considerable self compassion and self kindness and self care, as we so deeply need that.