It not only looks like compete destruction, it feels like it too.
In a complex trauma healing journey, the destruction is the trauma of facing the truth, the deep grieving, facing the reality of all the exploitation, all the abuse, all the intentionality in the abuse, all the abandonment and all the legitimate pain and suffering that goes with it.
Healing is about change. Changing ones life from denial, minimizing and all other cognitive distortions used to cope …. to having ones eyes opened about the truth…. and that is intense and takes time.
Even to acknowledge in a real way, how horrific complex trauma is, where child sexual abuse, exploitation, all forms of abuse were suffered, and people you loved wanted to destroy you….. feels like destruction.
Destruction of any hope these people had any love or care within them……. and facing the reality of the opposite of what I held onto for so long. I wanted to believe they loved me and cared about me, and they did not.
I am coming to the point of understanding, they were incapable of love, even for themselves. Their deep inner hatred of themselves, projected outwards, and vomited all over their victims, including me.
I do understand their darkness, their love of hurting others, was actually nothing to do with me…… it was all about their own pathological darkness and self hatred.
I hold separate understandings, at the same time….
1.The understanding of the suffering caused to me, that I every right and need to have all valid emotions about.
And to name that, name the types of abuse endured, name the pathological abuse types used, to come to this deeper understanding and truth.
2. The understanding that their darkness, is about themselves. It was never about me and anything I did wrong.
It was never about whether I was good enough… it was all about ‘their’ lack of being good enough. ‘Their’ deep self loathing. And that part of me, does know this is a terrible place to be in. And I wish no-one was at that place. Whilst also acknowledging they still had choices and they made their choices they knew were wrong and they knew were hurting me.
To know what they did, was never actually about me in any way…… is the understanding needed to deal with their shame – they projected onto me.
I was always good enough and I still am. I never did anything wrong. I never deserved what they did.
Their failure to see that, their choices to abuse, was their own darkness projected and never about me, in any way.