Throughout my counselling, no validation or support about how the abuse I suffered was not my fault/blame/shame, was ever offered.
I had to ask recently, for it. After 3 years of counselling. It really is bizarre.
That combined with the continual opinions about abusers and how they ‘should’ be thought about being vocalised, and the continual forcing me to believe the way I think ‘isn’t good enough’, I realise now, made my journey harder.
I don’t believe (or at least I don’t want to) this was intentional, but many counsellors have their own agenda’s and their own personal reasons for needing to view people a certain way and that gets projected onto clients. Even when this is not in the clients best interests.
I do see absolutely clearly, how a counsellors role is to help a severe abuse/sexual abuse/child abuse/child sexual abuse, exploitation survivor…….. to feel safe and to know it wasn’t their fault. And that was never offered to me, until I recently asked for that validation. And I realise that in having to ask, it is too little, too late.
Obviously the focus all along for her, was to minimize/invalidate/ignore what the abusers did, and force me to believe I have to feel sorry for them. And anything else, was never going to be okay or good enough.
The lack of empathy, and the agenda issues, are devastating. Every time I think about this (which is repeatedly every day), I cry and have that fear within me, that has been all too familiar throughout my life.
My husband believes I should speak to her about this and not just quit counselling. But what’s the point. She isn’t going to change the way she deals this, for me. I shouldn’t be at counselling to tell my counsellor what she should be doing, to help me. And I should not have to endure being shamed.
The many different types of ‘shaming’ that goes on to severe abuse survivors, whilst not always intentional, is very painful, very damaging and very life impacting. I will never trust a counsellor again, with my journey. I will never trust they don’t have some hidden personal agenda. I will never trust, they won’t hurt me and shame me more.
It will take me a long time to deal with this loss and grieving. I did for a long time trust my counsellor more than any person I have ever trusted. That is so significant in my life.
To deal with fall out and consequences of this loss of my only support, loss of this person whom I trusted as much as I will ever be able to, is so painful.
I realise even more, how alone I am.