Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


My husband just booked 2 nights away at a hotel, for a family break.

My husband knows how low I am. He knows I am struggling badly. He just booked 2 nights away at a hotel, for us all as a family. He says we need a break.

My children will love it. The hotel pool is heated, so hopefully warm enough to swim in. It’s near the theme parks we have yearly passes for. It’s at the beach, so that will be lovely. My children love the beach. It’s my favourite place to be, walking along the beach, smelling the sea air. The weather is forecast to be lovely.

So, we get up early in the morning, pack a suitcase and go.

It will be nice to get away.


I realise I need specialised trauma counselling, to deal with all the sexual abuse.

I know I am going to have to find another counsellor. Only one who specialises in child sexual abuse trauma and exploitation. One who doesn’t shame me.

I’m not coping with the exploitation stuff. I’m not coping with the shame of all the grooming. I’m not coping with trying to do this on my own.

I would rather die, than have to feel any more of this pain.

Again, I’m at that place where it’s only my children keeping me alive.

I’m going to have to find a counsellor, and pay whatever it costs. Continue reading


Fragile & unsafe. Staying off social media. Distracting myself.

My past is really haunting me at the moment. I was pretty much suicidal last night. I’m fragile today. I have no support. I’m caring for myself the best I can.

I’m staying off social media, to avoid anymore triggers and emotional pain. I also cannot read any more reports about other severe child sexual abuse cases, because the pain is too intense. I guess this is better self care than I have managed in the past.

I’m distracting myself as best I can. Going outside in my gardens. Reading up on/watching YouTube video’s on propagating plants, which I want to have a go at. Gardening is soothing and comforting to me. Although only barely so, today.

I’ve just had a shower and washed my hair and I’m about to make a cup of tea and watch some TV. I guess that’s self care too. Continue reading


Father pimped out daughter, to paedophiles. One of whom is a pastor, and a prison fellowship manager


Father pimped out daughter to paedophiles, and this girl was horrifically abused.

One of these was a church pastor and former Prison Fellowship manager. Sounds to me like he surrounded himself with fellow criminals and offenders, because he is exactly like them. He was probably advocating for people like himself – paedophiles and child abusers, to be released from prison, and their crimes minimized. And all the while he is horrifically raping and abusing a child.


Each one of these men deserve to be in prison for the rest of their natural lives.


The ongoing pain & grieving, due to the ongoing consequences, of all the childhood sexual trauma.


I am sat with tears flooding down my face as I write this.

When I write posts, like my last one, where I have to face and acknowledge that some issues caused by the severe childhood trauma I endured, are still ongoing, it hurts. It hurts deeply.

There are wounds that prolonged childhood sexual abuse cause, that child sexual abuse grooming by paedophiles/predators cause, that still affect my life in truly profound ways. And to know my own mother was complicit and exploited me, is beyond painful. Continue reading

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Sexual Intimacy After Childhood Sexual Abuse, Complex Trauma & Severe Neglect


This article is excellent and does raise important and very difficult issues – childhood complex trauma, child sexual abuse and severe childhood neglect survivors can face with sexual intimacy.

I’ve personally given up on this issue. I don’t have what I need in my life in terms of support to address my huge issues with this. My issues with this run so deep and I realise I need specialised support and I don’t have it. And I do understand those who have similar issues with lack of support to deal with this, can find this too hard to deal with.

But, I do believe for many others, there is hope with the right support and healing that come from that support.


Karma is a cognitive distortion of ‘magical thinking’.

I have known for a long time that karma is BS. I’ve known this since studying Buddhism and being confused and then coming to the conclusion that karma was BS.

Now I see that in psychology terms, karma is nothing more than magical thinking.

This keeps happening to me. I ‘know’ something, I know it’s wrong, I know it’s a cognitive distortion, but don’t have psychology wording and understanding to put to it.

I often instinctively know things and work them out for myself as being irrational thinking, and then find out later I was correct and how.


“There is no logical or rational basis behind the concept of Karma”. Continue reading

Confirmation Bias…. another cognitive distortion/behaviour I see clearly occurring. A lot.

confirmation bias

Boy, do I see this occurring a lot.

I see it within religion, within the mental health advocacy/industry, abuse advocacy.

People only want to believe what they want to see, that supports what they choose to believe, no matter how unhealthy, how incorrect, or lacking in evidence to support it.


Closely related to ‘cherry picking’ fallacy. Another cognitive distortion I see everywhere.


cherry picking

Actual abuse like ongoing physical or sexual abuse to a child, causes profound fear.

Actual abuse caused to a child’s body, should not be minimized, or compared to witnessing abuse.

The fear of ongoing abuse caused to a child’s body, causes considerable fear.

PTSD kids5-001

Physical abuse and sexual abuse, are also emotional/mental/psychological abuse and neglect.

The child not only fears it happening again, but knows what the abuse feels like and is having their body violated.

There are people minimizing this, by suggesting a child witnessing abuse only – is worse than a child actually enduring the abuse. Which is absolute rubbish and a complete minimization of a child enduring abuse to their own body. Such a lack of empathy for children enduring their body being violated. Continue reading

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Another example of religious abuse, including child sexual abuse, incest, physical abuse being covered up/condoned/enabled.

Praise God for the Royal Commission.

Again another religious organisation being exposed for the all too frequent abuse that goes on.

And this is common throughout religion, not just JW’s.

The Royal Commission has exposed abuse occurring throughout nearly all denominations.


‘‘Ministerial servant’ held in high regard by congregation while assaulting daughters.

While the rest of the Jehovah’s Witness branch held her father in high regard as a “ministerial servant”, he was flogging her at home until she bled and had sex with her and three of her sisters, the commission was told.

His second eldest daughter, now aged 47, said that when she tried to kill herself over the abuse, she was chastised by the church because it was seen as being a sin against Jehovah – while her father was stood down for some time but then accepted back with open arms by the congregation.

During one meeting with church elders, the woman said her father accused her of seducing him.” Continue reading