I have accepted there are some emotions I will always have. Acceptance is needed. The battle in feeling emotions are somehow ‘wrong’, makes life worse. I have felt terminally alone all my life. Felt a sense of disconnection from humanity, that I have tried so hard to overcome.
Now, I realise I am alone, because I am different to many people. My life experiences, my capacity to think more, makes me different to many people. I’ve never found ‘my people’ and I accept I am unlikely to ever find people like myself.
I feel like I am a wise old woman, seeing teenagers at play around me. And I’ve been told I have a wise old soul. Yet, I try to continue to have connections with people, as that is meant to be good for me…
I am thinking of finding a philosophy group in my area. They will be people who may think more deeply and are interested in the deeper issues in life. People who I may be able to talk with, who will expand my mind too.
But, I am aware how the aloneness continues.
I’ve never fitted in and I definitely don’t now. And a huge part of me doesn’t want to either. I’ve always been deemed by others to be ‘different’ and I hated that in the past. Now I see I am different and whilst I am okay with my differences… and I’m glad my eyes are open…. it’s also lonely.
I long for the place I will only find when my time here on earth is done. I don’t belong here.
And I cannot wait for that day.