Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Terminal Aloneness… Continues.

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I have accepted there are some emotions I will always have. Acceptance is needed. The battle in feeling emotions are somehow ‘wrong’, makes life worse. I have felt terminally alone all my life. Felt a sense of disconnection from humanity, that I have tried so hard to overcome.

Now, I realise I am alone, because I am different to many people. My life experiences, my capacity to think more, makes me different to many people. I’ve never found ‘my people’ and I accept I am unlikely to ever find people like myself.

I feel like I am a wise old woman, seeing teenagers at play around me. And I’ve been told I have a wise old soul. Yet, I try to continue to have connections with people, as that is meant to be good for me…

I am thinking of finding a philosophy group in my area. They will be people who may think more deeply and are interested in the deeper issues in life. People who I may be able to talk with, who will expand my mind too.

But, I am aware how the aloneness continues.

alone

I’ve never fitted in and I definitely don’t now. And a huge part of me doesn’t want to either. I’ve always been deemed by others to be ‘different’ and I hated that in the past. Now I see I am different and whilst I am okay with my differences… and I’m glad my eyes are open…. it’s also lonely.

I long for the place I will only find when my time here on earth is done. I don’t belong here.

And I cannot wait for that day.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Terminal Aloneness… Continues.

  1. The day I die will be the happiest day of my life.

  2. I am an Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and dealing with CPTSD. It explained a lot of why I never fit in. I too feel like an old soul and I really do not want to be here and never have, as far back as I can rememer.
    Lilly, your blog and information that you share is such a help to me and I’m sure many many others. Thank you for your courage and love to share with us.