The reality of my counselling ending, has started to really sink in. So many emotions, grieving, sadness, annoyance at myself for trusting someone…. all things that I feel deeply.
I’ve realised more than ever over the last few weeks, just how agenda driven, self serving and unaware of this within themselves, so many people are. Several situations have arisen lately, that have shown this so clearly.
My trust issues have kind of shifted, from a deep fear of trusting people…. to a deep awareness of how little people can actually be trusted.
Even though my counselling over the last 3 years has never been perfect and has always had red flags and issues crop up…. I think just having it there…. still felt like some kind of support.
And for a long time I clung onto it. Desperately. Like you do when you are drowning and it’s the only life support you have, to keep you alive.
I could write heaps about the issues that I saw, felt and raised and absolutely know were agenda issues not in my interests. But I don’t want to. I realise I have to move on and accept it’s over and that I am in fact completely alone emotionally in this journey. I know I’m grieving a significant loss in my life. Someone I tried to trust, really needed to trust and did, more than anyone else in my life. And I shouldn’t have. A familiar story in my life.
I won’t trust anyone again. I won’t even try to. I’ve finally accepted not to. It hurts too much.
I’ve always been grieving loss, my entire life. It continues.
And I allowing myself grieving. Because it is normal, natural and needed. I don’t suppress what I need to feel, anymore.