The pain of coming to understand and come to terms with this, is beyond painful. It has nearly killed me.
I am aware my trauma history is significantly severe. And it is all down to my mother and her husband. It all started with them, and is entirely their responsibility, their blame, their guilt, their shame. Not mine.
The first 20 years of my life and the consequences of what followed, is due to the severe abuse, exploitation my mother and her husband made choices to inflict.
And worse…. they enjoyed it.
I’m doing better as the months go by, in dealing with this. Sometimes, I still feel the intense pain, as you do when grieving. I realise I will be grieving all my life, but it will come and go, and lesson in severity and intensity.
It’s early days yet, I realise. It’s only in the last 12 months, I came to fully understand it all. I still have PTSD, so I still have unwanted intrusive thoughts, nightmares etc. Now, I can manage them better. But, they are still there. I am aware that for severe PTSD/Complex PTSD, there is no cure. You just learn to manage it better.
I know you don’t grieve and process through this level of trauma and the betrayal, abandonment, and severe abuse… quickly. Not, if you are processing it fully.
So, I have self compassion and when I feel those intense emotions – I allow myself to feel them. Trying to push them away, makes it worse. I also tell myself now, as I feel those intense emotions… it will pass. Tomorrow will be a better day. I can hold onto that understanding now.
I guess, it’s not all as hopeless as it felt 12 months ago.
Which is healing.
Healing a trauma history like mine, take as long as it takes, and rushing it, hinders healing.