A common occurrence in society. Prolific behaviour within dysfunctional/disordered/toxic families. A much utilised tool for spiritual abuse by many church/religious people.
I see this all very clearly.
I’ve always ‘known’ instinctively how wrong this is. Always felt it. But, didn’t have the understanding or ability to put words to it.
I do now.
Shame is about feeling like a bad person. Being made to feel like a bad person. Abuse survivors, do not need to be abused further, by being shamed. Abuse survivors, did not have a choice when abused. The abuser, did have a choice.
Shame shifting is common with those who demand forgiveness for abusers. And claim those who don’t forgive their abusers, are the ‘bad people’. Shame shifting from abuser, to victim.
Shame shifting is common with those who demand ‘compassion’ for abusers. And claim those who don’t have compassion, are the ‘bad people’. Shame shifting from abuser, to victim.
Shame shifting is common with those who demand abuse should not be exposed and the victim should keep quiet. And claim those who do speak up, and do expose the evil of abuse, are the ‘bad people’. Shame shifting from abuser, to victim.
No severe abuse survivor, especially those where the abuse is denied by the abuser, ‘has’ to forgive, or ‘has’ to have compassion for an abuser, or ‘has’ to keep quiet.
All that is for the perpetrator’s benefit, and often simply enables them, and protects them. And these demands by others, deeply and negatively affect the victim’s healing journey.
Healing is not dependent on forgiveness, despite what some say. Survivors of severe abuse are free to forgive and free not to forgive and neither is morally better than the other.
But, I see continually how shame is shifted from the abuser… to the victim.
And the victims have already been hurt enough. Intentionally, by an abuser who fails to have any empathy, any compassion, any conscience, and rarely any remorse. Yes, a small percentage of abusers may feel remorse. Some fake remorse. Many have no remorse.
Yet, many people will then shift the shame that is entirely the abusers, onto the victim and deem the victim to be the bad person.
Often people who shame shift, do so because it makes them feel like they are ‘better’ than the victims. They ‘lord’ it over the victim. It raises up their unhealthy ego.
Some covertly want the victim to feel bad about themselves. Kicking the person, when they are down. Sadly, there are more people who enjoy this than is realised.
For many who choose this shame shifting need, it is totally self serving and /or malicious in some cases, but just covertly done.
With some it is simply not having enough empathy and thought processing capacity, to see how much damage and harm this causes the victim.
Some will claim it is about having compassion for abusers……. but in fact they fail to realise – it is completely lacking in empathy for the victim – the innocent person in this, who did not have a choice.
But, regardless of the reasons as the why people participate in and like to ‘shame shift’ …. it is wrong, harmful, abusive, re-traumatising and lacking in empathy.
And I see it everywhere.
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