I am sat with tears flooding down my face as I write this.
When I write posts, like my last one, where I have to face and acknowledge that some issues caused by the severe childhood trauma I endured, are still ongoing, it hurts. It hurts deeply.
There are wounds that prolonged childhood sexual abuse cause, that child sexual abuse grooming by paedophiles/predators cause, that still affect my life in truly profound ways. And to know my own mother was complicit and exploited me, is beyond painful.
And I can’t fix it. I can’t make it go away. I can’t be ‘normal’. And that causes more shame, on top of all the shame I already feel, due to all the abuse and grooming.
It’s more painful than I can express.
Having intrusive memories and emotional flashbacks, that still pervade my life.
It’s so cruel.
They are still there, in my head and I can’t get them out.
I can’t stop these memories. This pain.