Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Chrissie Hynde needs counselling. But, I understand why she self blames. And why it’s so wrong.

http://www.msn.com/en-au/entertainment/celebrity/chrissie-hynde-under-fire-for-rape-comments/ar-AAdLK5I?li=AA59yp&ocid=U305DHP

My immediate reaction to reading Chrissie Hynde’s recent comments about rape and sexual assault, were anger.

This is the most typical & toxic kind of victim blaming/shaming out there, and sadly it is beliefs held by too many. When it comes from a woman, I cannot help but feel even more outraged and disgusted. I hate victim blaming/shaming.

But, I do realise Chrissie Hynde needs counselling and psychological help. She is blaming herself for something that was never her fault, blame, shame or responsibility. It was 100% the responsibility of the man who abused her. I realise there may be many reasons she is blaming herself, as I have done in the past. I do feel so sorry for her, and why she feels the need to blame herself for the highly abusive choices an abuser made.

If I were a decent man, I would be highly offended by this notion that men have no self control, no moral compass and no capacity to not be rapists when women are drunk, wearing certain clothing etc.

I agree with this… “The idea that sexual assault is a natural occurrence, ready to engulf passing women in its flames, is one as damaging and insulting to women as it is to men. This persistent belief that men are naturally inclined towards rape, and that women have to dress or act or behave accordingly because otherwise it’ll just end up happening, is one that prevents so many assaults from being reported or prosecuted every year. Rape is not a natural disaster, and men are not prowling animals whose natural instincts would be kept under control if only women would just stop putting on fishnets or getting drunk or looking so damn sexy all the time. However, it has consistently been found in psychological studies that rapists do believe all men rape – which helps them to justify their actions to themselves.”

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/being-sexually-assaulted-was-not-your-fault-chrissie-hynde–please-dont-tell-other-victims-it-was-theirs-10478880.html

I realise Chrissie Hynde has deep psychological issues, but she needs to not be projecting her issues, to the rest of society and projecting blame and shame to victims of sexual abuse/assault/rape.

I am truly over victim blaming/shaming.

It has also brought to the surface again, how situations that occurred in my 20’s, where men did not stop when I wanted them to, really hurt me and basically it was rape.  Continue reading


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There is a “greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

There is a famous quote… “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” Maya Angelo

I understand the quote and the damage and consequences, of bearing an untold story within. Especially if it about abuse, neglect and trauma. I understand and see many of the psychological consequences of unresolved trauma. I see it everywhere. Society is full of it.

But, dealing with the reality and truth of my life and the past and ongoing consequences of the trauma I have endured, is greater agony, for me.

My past has affected too many areas of my life and continues to. Areas I cannot talk about. Not in counselling. Not with anyone. Dealing with that reality, is agony. It was easier when I didn’t understand all this.

tears


Pseudoscience & new age lies …. for the easily influenced, vulnerable, cognitively distorted & those who take full advantage.

It makes me sad how increasingly society is falling for the many lies of pseudoscience and new age BS. It all plays on people’s weaknesses, vulnerabilities and distorted thinking. And I don’t like seeing people seduced by lies. I care that people are being duped and lied to. I care how unhealthy is makes people and society. I care it can harm people.

It is becoming more and more evident just how much people want to believe anything that takes them away from truth and how sad that is. I can identify so many cognitive distortions now and I can literally check them off as I read or hear the views/lies expressed. It is quite weird to be in that position to understand all this. Continue reading


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INFP/INFJ personality type.

INFJ

The Myers Briggs/Jung type tests, always indicate I am either INFP, or INFJ and I know I fluctuate between the two, depending on the situations. And both are tiny minorities of the personality types. And the least understood by others.

I relate to this drawing. I have accepted most people don’t understand me. I have accepted I cannot ‘save humanity’, but can only do my little part and model what I feel is needed. But humanitarian and social justice work, is a huge interest of mine and somewhere I think I am heading. Harmony is an increasing need within me, but not at the expense of honesty, reality, truth, or others being negatively impacted, or by applying cognitive distortions. It’s a challenging path.

I continually talk about ‘balance’ and I know this is where wisdom is found. Not in the ‘all or nothing’, ‘polarised’, distorted and dysfunctional thinking humanity often prefers.

Reading other people’s souls…. well I have been doing that since being a child. I discern people’s souls/ motivations/ issues/ hearts easily over a period of time. It’s proven accurate too many times for me to not accept this ability. I’ve been told to trust it. And I do. Dealing with what I see in people’s souls and their behaviours, has been my challenge. Not ‘personalising’ other people’s issues, has been a huge learning curve I needed. Continue reading


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Truth…. really hurts.

At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.

One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse. Continue reading


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My mother is a female child sex offender. A reality I don’t want to deal with.

Did some research on women who allow their children to be sexually abused. The list of reasons meant I could establish my mother’s reasons. She isn’t intellectually impaired. She wasn’t in fear of her husband and his friends. She is an intelligent and capable woman who knew right from wrong. She wanted her children abused. She was complicit in it.

She is a female child sex offender, as she ‘facilitated and aided men to sexually abuse her children’.

It was hard enough knowing this is what my step father was and how myself and my siblings grew within this highly abusive and toxic environment and is why we were all sexually abused.

But, to know my mother was not only complicit, but a very willing participant in this, is beyond painful to deal with. Continue reading


I can’t get this song outta my head… ‘My Heart Is A Ghost Town’

I love the lyrics to this song. I love his voice. This makes me want to dance too.

Interesting lyrics and video. The music is very 90’s house/dance music, so I relate, as the 90’s was my clubbing era.

I read he wrote the lyrics about life’s disappointments & an existential crisis issue. Probably why I relate.

Love these lyrics..

“Now, I’m searching for trust
In a city of rust
A city of vampires
Tonight, Elvis is dead
And everyone’s spread
And love is a satire” Continue reading


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People’s subconscious drives/motivations, I see, as much as the conscious, planned behaviours.

I see very clearly how so many people act and behave from the unconscious/subconscious mind… whichever you wish to see it as. I know the psychology great minds such as Freud and Jung, talk about these non conscious thoughts, reactions, drives and I agree… I see it everywhere. I’ve explored some of mine, so I know it to be true. I’ve delved into my sub/unconscious thoughts and where they came from. What triggers my sub/unconscious reactions/behaviours etc.

I’m a great believer in making the ‘unconscious – conscious’ …. if you truly want to know who you are.

This does not happen with many people. Most people keep their eyes very tightly shut about who they actually are as a person. Their own soul is not what they want to see, or reflect upon.

People often don’t even realise why they think and behave the way they do. And I admit that scares me, creates fear within me, and does nothing to lesson my issues with trust. When people don’t even know why they think the way they do… why on earth would I place any trust/belief in them.

I also see clearly when actions and behaviour are conscious, premeditated, deliberate and intentional. But when it’s harmful or self serving, people justify it. Rationalise their behaviours and just plain old excuse them. Providing self comforting irrational thoughts to not take responsibility for actions. And they project them onto others. And vigorously defend them.

I see cognitive distortions everywhere and I always have… now I can put psychology terms to the irrational thinking.

Continue reading


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I am heading towards completely withdrawing from life.

I know I want to completely withdraw. Recently the attempts to reach out and be around people – as I am apparently supposed to do – have proven to be more hassle than it’s worth.

I’d like to move far away from where I currently live and escape the issues that continually arise. It really appeals to live near the beach, and just go there every day. Sit, with a book and just read, or walk along the sand. And keep away from people.

I am at the point of seriously considering closing down my website, this blog and everything else. Not for any other reason than that deep need to withdraw.

People don’t cut it for me. In many ways. Everywhere I look, I see issues. Cognitive distortions. Self serving opinions. A lack of empathy. People who choose not to ‘think’.

That old soul part of me – world wary & world weary, isolated, wants to spend increasing amounts of time alone and stay away from people. Continue reading