My counsellor has been away for a month on holiday. Prior to that, I had become really annoyed at the continual ‘shaming’ of being made to feel like I am not good enough and a bad person, because I do not think about predators/perpetrators of severe prolonged abuse, exactly as she does.
I’m increasingly aware of ‘shame shifting’ from perpetrator to victim. I’ve always instinctively known this is very wrong and I refuse to be ‘shamed’ any further. I have an appropriate thought process, for predators, paedophiles, sex offenders, and other such people.
I don’t believe in revenge, karma, retaliation, them being abused back. Because all that is wrong. And I’ve never wanted any of that. I don’t condemn them, I don’t want them to ‘burn in hell’. My opinions are actually far more ‘compassionate’ than many in society who do believe in retaliation being required, think paedophiles/predators should be hurt back, given the death penalty etc. I don’t.
But, I also believe for those who choose to make people suffer, particularly children, and are likely to do it again (which is most of them), they need to be in prison. The rights and safety of children are more important than the rights of offenders, who are mostly pathological liars.
I do not believe in demanding victims having to have compassion or forgiveness for those who intentionally harmed them in such vile, disgusting and horrendous ways, and especially when they have no remorse/empathy/conscience.
Demanding this, is shame shifting. To suggest survivors are ‘bad people’ for not forgiving/having compassion is shame/blame shifting. So very wrong.
Considering all I have been through, the very fact that I cringe when I hear of any prisoner being beaten up (regardless of what they have done) – sex offenders, paedophiles, those who sexually exploit children – and I do wish for their sakes they were not people who enjoy making others/children suffer, I still remain very aware of the choices they choose to make. Repeatedly. That is choosing evil.
I’m aware my counsellor believes she is right, and needs to think the way she does so she can be seen/feel she is ‘professional’ as a doctor/counsellor. And it makes her feel like a good Christian. Her constant need to project her opinion about predators/offenders and how she feels about them etc… is simply nothing more than her opinion. And one that her constant need to project – shows a lack of empathy towards severe abuse victims/survivors. The patronizing I have also pulled her up on. The pattern of criticising how I have learned about personality disorders, psychopaths, pathological behaviours, and described people as such. The inference there, that I ‘shouldn’t do this.
Well, that’s BS, because learning about abusers/predators/offenders/paedophiles……. has helped me heal far more than anything I’ve learned in counselling. It’s learning about abusers, that has helped me to know, it was never my fault, blame, shame, or responsibility. And I needed to know that.
I haven’t received any help in counselling really about how to deal with the deeply wounding shame inflicted upon me by many. And in fact have been shamed more in counselling. And that is not okay.
I don’t believe this shame shifting is even deliberate or intentional. Or at least I don’t want to believe it is. And for that reason, there is part of me that feels I should speak to her about this. Although I’m not expecting it to change anything.
I don’t think she is wrong, or a bad person to think the way she chooses to think and her opinions. But, she chooses to make me feel like a bad person, for continually letting me know, how she feels is ‘better’. Church people seem to engage in this a lot. I let her know at my last appointment, she is not ‘better’ than me, at all.
I don’t answer to my counsellor or anyone. I answer to Jesus.
My husband thinks my counsellor needs to know all this. I see this is part of my healing, to stand up for myself and express myself, especially to those causing damage, intentionally or not.
Do I go, or not? I don’t know. Part of me says yes, another says no.