It’s too painfully overwhelming, to know, feel & re-experience, all I have endured/suffered.

Sometimes, when I read how much trauma I have endured and all the many consequences of it… I wonder how the hell I am alive. I am reminded of my first counsellor saying ‘you are a walking miracle’.

It’s deeply overwhelming to know all the many types of trauma and the many types of abuse. And it being over decades. And worse, who caused them. And how intentional it all was. And the levels of suffering. So young too.

It’s more painful than I can express.

I am sat typing this, with a huge knot of fear within my chest, tears pouring down my face. Dissociation close and I can feel myself shutting down.

It’s too much. Too much trauma. Too much betrayal. Too much pain.

Complex Trauma, Is Indeed, Very Complex

Reading a little of Christine Courtois’ book on Complex Trauma….. I have definitions of the trauma I have endured.

It’s pretty overwhelming.

But, it does help to realise just how severe and layered the overlapping and cumulative trauma all is.

Current reading…. It’s Not You, It’s What Happened to You: Complex Trauma and Treatment – Christine Courtois

I have heard Christine Courtois’s work is worth reading, and I am always wanting to keep learning and find out more about complex trauma, and how to heal.

Should this be a book I find helpful, it will go on my book recommendation list 🙂

Christine’s website is @ http://www.drchriscourtois.com/

One of those overwhelming teary, spiritual Jesus situations happened today.

At the food bank I volunteer at, a guy has attended a few times. He’s a lovely guy, 6ft 10, openly gay and a drag queen. He’s got multi-coloured hair and I ensured each time I have seen him, that he feels very welcome. The first time I met this guy, there was something about him, that I knew was special. Now I know why.

Today, he opened up and spoke to myself and the chairperson of the food bank service (who is a former pastor who no longer attends church)… about his life. He was brought up in church, was a former worship leader and has spoken at Hillsong, but only because they did not know he is gay. He spoke about his work and all he does helping others. He then spoke about faith, his understanding of the Bible and how church people abuse it to hurt gay people. He spoke of the persecution he has endured, having Bipolar, but also the blessings and miracles that have also been a part of his journey.

Both myself and the chairperson (who understands not being a stage 3 faith person too), ensured he knew he was welcome, among friends and that we do not have the same issues many church people have with gay people.

Listening to his story was emotionally and spiritually huge and I felt such a blessing to speak with this man who ‘gets it’. Who spiritually gets it and understands Jesus’ love.

I’m pretty over certain groups calling themselves ‘hero’s’ – suggesting others are not.

Combat Vets and First Responders often like to call themselves hero’s, for surviving war/front line trauma, and having PTSD as a result.

This suggests people who have not survived those types of trauma, are not hero’s.

Severe child abuse, prolonged abuse, domestic violence survivors – have all survived horrendous trauma, which is like a war, only at home. It is front line trauma too.

So, in my opinion, they are all equally hero’s as well.