Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am heading towards completely withdrawing from life.

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I know I want to completely withdraw. Recently the attempts to reach out and be around people – as I am apparently supposed to do – have proven to be more hassle than it’s worth.

I’d like to move far away from where I currently live and escape the issues that continually arise. It really appeals to live near the beach, and just go there every day. Sit, with a book and just read, or walk along the sand. And keep away from people.

I am at the point of seriously considering closing down my website, this blog and everything else. Not for any other reason than that deep need to withdraw.

People don’t cut it for me. In many ways. Everywhere I look, I see issues. Cognitive distortions. Self serving opinions. A lack of empathy. People who choose not to ‘think’.

That old soul part of me – world wary & world weary, isolated, wants to spend increasing amounts of time alone and stay away from people.

I am reminded of…

“There is a special kind of person in our world who finds himself alone and isolated, almost since birth. His solitary existence isn’t from a preference or an antisocial temperament – he is simply old.  Old in heart, old in mind and old in soul, this person is an old soul who finds his outlook on life vastly different and more matured than those around him.  As a result, the old soul lives his life internally, walking his own solitary path while the rest around him flock to follow another.” http://lonerwolf.com/9-signs-youre-an-old-soul/

I don’t actually consider myself special, I just know I am different. Different because of the life I was inflicted with and had to endure, from so young. It forced me to be old and an adult when I was supposed to be a child. I had no childhood. I continue to be a lot older than I am. I feel like an old woman, in so many ways.

Plus, the very hurt inner part of me, wishes to do the same – isolate, withdraw, keep away from people. I recognise there is an anxiety and fear element that knows staying away from people, keeps me safe. And that actually keeps being proven to be correct.

Withdrawing completely, appeals.

I completely understand why people become ‘crazy cat ladies’, or hermits. I understand some of the varying needs for this and why. I understand why other people don’t understand.

I’m not saying this is healthy for other people, or what is needed for other people. Most people need connections to people, need support from people and that’s okay and good. I am not recommending this as a course of action for most people.

But the opposite, feels like the only way for me to keep going.

We’re all different.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I am heading towards completely withdrawing from life.

  1. I know the feeling of wanting to withdraw…I tried that for a while. Truly, it didn’t quite work out like I thought it would. We are each individual souls… I am thinking of you in your struggle and I wish you all the best…

  2. That is sad to hear Lilly. You do not sound like the Lilly we used to experience on facebook. My hope and prayer for you is that you find peace, rest and above all inner happiness in what ever you choose to do. There times in our lives when we need to seek these things above all others. Please do not lose hope in people there are many good and trustworthy people out there. One good and true friend is worth more than an army of aquaintances. May God be with you in your journey towards healing. Julie

  3. Thank you both. We are all different, have different paths, journeys to lead. We each need to do what is needed for our own health and needs.

    It’s wisdom to understand different people, choose/need different paths, depending on their individual needs. What suits some, does not suit others.

    Where some may find good trustworthy people, others don’t.

    Where some may find people who understand them and their souls, others don’t.

    We cannot ever assume our own experiences, are the same for others. We cannot generalise or compare.

    Something I have come to understand fully.

  4. Sad to hear. People do care. They write caring messages to you. It really sux that this is all online. Wish i could show you in real life that we care.

    • I know people write caring messages here, and I do truly appreciate that ❤
      And I wish it were enough.
      I think those core needs to have people in my life, who really care and understand me, are what I know I crave and I don't have that.
      I know I have that hole in my soul, where family – mother, father, siblings, grandparents etc… were supposed to be, and that hole is painful and bleeds continually.
      I have that self insight and self awareness to know and feel this and be honest with myself and I can't pretend it's not there.
      It is my ongoing battle to accept this hole in my soul, but I can't stop it bleeding. If that makes any sense.
      It's like a continual grieving process, that never ends.
      I know it can end for some people, so I'm not suggesting this is how it is for everyone, but it is for me and I know it may be for others too.
      It hurts. Every day. Some days more than others.

  5. Yes i Totaly understand i have it too. Just wish on some level i could really help. Like really. X