Did some research on women who allow their children to be sexually abused. The list of reasons meant I could establish my mother’s reasons. She isn’t intellectually impaired. She wasn’t in fear of her husband and his friends. She is an intelligent and capable woman who knew right from wrong. She wanted her children abused. She was complicit in it.
She is a female child sex offender, as she ‘facilitated and aided men to sexually abuse her children’.
It was hard enough knowing this is what my step father was and how myself and my siblings grew within this highly abusive and toxic environment and is why we were all sexually abused.
But, to know my mother was not only complicit, but a very willing participant in this, is beyond painful to deal with.
It all makes sense. The threats to stay quiet. The threats that if I phoned Child Line, I would be taken away from my family. The scapegoating. The continual emotional/mental/psychological abuse. They sensed I knew how wrong all this was and didn’t want their vile secrets exposed.
I know people will use the rationalisation/justification/minimization/excuse of ‘your mother was mentally ill, probably abused herself’. But that is never an excuse. She made choices. She isn’t insane. She knew right from wrong. I know this because of the threats/manipulation/grooming to keep me quiet.
She made choices to harm her children. For decades. Her own childhood, her mental health does not excuse her choices in any way, or minimize what she did to me and my siblings.
I’ve always known this deep down. I’ve always known my mother was a deeply abusive human being, but I loved her and didn’t want to accept the hard truth.
I still don’t want to accept it.
It makes me feel physically ill, to even think about it.