Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Truth…. really hurts.

8 Comments

At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.

One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse.

I don’t apply rationalisation, excuses, justifications, minimizations etc, to their actions. I know many people do. I know why. Because I used to. The truth is harder to deal with. The truth is painful. The truth is devastating. The truth can kill you. The truth was too hard for me in the past. Anything that makes it easier to deal with, is a path people will take, no matter how far from truth and reality it is.

And as much as I know I deal with honesty and reality more than many on these issues, and that has been confirmed, and I understand why people ‘self soothe’ with these cognitive distortions, I cannot apply them any more. Because they are lies.

My capacity to deal with truth makes my life, my grieving, my suffering, harder.

If I could just think on a more shallow, distorted level and self soothe with ‘well they were mentally ill’, or ‘well they were possibly abused themselves’ or something to that effect …… life would be easier.

But, I know those are lies people tell themselves, to make child abuse and child sexual abuse, child sex offenders, paedophiles etc… seem less vile, less horrific, less disgusting. But, I deal with those actual realities, because I deal with truth.

There is a quote I see is very apt…. ‘The truth is something many claim to want, but is too bitter a pill to swallow’.

Well, I swallowed the pill, and it is indeed very bitter, very painful and causes profound grieving when you have a horrific trauma/abuse history, caused by those who were meant to do the opposite.

My counsellor thinks I will find something that will make this easier to deal with. Well, it won’t be choosing to believe lies. It won’t be making excuses for heinous child sex offenders/abusers and their choices. It won’t be blaming their mental health. It won’t be blaming their childhood.

I don’t believe anything will ‘appear’ – as a way to make this easier. The reality is all bad. I’m not going to rationalise how being abused as I have been, is in anyway good. It isn’t. It wasn’t. It should never have happened, and I didn’t deserve or need a single second of it.

I just hope over time, it gets less painful, less devastating, less suffering intense grieving.

And I just keep how I feel to myself now. People only want to hear the ‘good’ stuff. Not the truth.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “Truth…. really hurts.

  1. I’m so glad that your back. I will comment later on.

  2. Thank you for sharing the truth as always.I am currently reading Pete Walker’s Complex ptsd.Very helpful, so thank you for that.xx

  3. missed you.
    missed the validation.
    missed the truth.

    Take Care on purpose.
    : )

  4. Very big HUGS to you. I totally agree with you, I’m the same way. It really makes me angry when people make excuses for bad behaviors, or abuse, like that’s suppose to make it all exceptable & ok. Lord knows I’m more than held accountable.
    I for one choose not to sugar or candy coat my reality. Knowing the truth, & living in reality, has helped me not to be further abused or victimized.
    Though I have noticed, that since I started living my life that way, most people don’t want to be around me. I guess they find it affensive to speak the truth, especially when it bursts their fantasy bubble of reality.
    In the end you will come out as a stronger person, with more courage & a deeper meaning in your life.

  5. hey! you are Back ! yea !

  6. geez -thought you were mad at me.

  7. Thank you all for the comments about being back. I appreciate your kindness ❤ I needed a complete break and to withdraw for a while. I think it's healthy to do this sometimes.

    I am realising more and more, how truth, reality, honesty and integrity, take considerable courage and are paths few take. As had been confirmed to me.

    For those who do choose to go down this path (and it is a choice), I understand how painful, overwhelming, isolating and challenging it is when dealing with complex trauma and abuse. But, I do believe it is a needed path to true growth, healing and wisdom.

    • I am glad you wrote this. I have been dealing with this subject of truth to ppl I love and it is met with denial alienation. I needed this confirmation. Thank you Lily