At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.
One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse.
I don’t apply rationalisation, excuses, justifications, minimizations etc, to their actions. I know many people do. I know why. Because I used to. The truth is harder to deal with. The truth is painful. The truth is devastating. The truth can kill you. The truth was too hard for me in the past. Anything that makes it easier to deal with, is a path people will take, no matter how far from truth and reality it is.
And as much as I know I deal with honesty and reality more than many on these issues, and that has been confirmed, and I understand why people ‘self soothe’ with these cognitive distortions, I cannot apply them any more. Because they are lies.
My capacity to deal with truth makes my life, my grieving, my suffering, harder.
If I could just think on a more shallow, distorted level and self soothe with ‘well they were mentally ill’, or ‘well they were possibly abused themselves’ or something to that effect …… life would be easier.
But, I know those are lies people tell themselves, to make child abuse and child sexual abuse, child sex offenders, paedophiles etc… seem less vile, less horrific, less disgusting. But, I deal with those actual realities, because I deal with truth.
There is a quote I see is very apt…. ‘The truth is something many claim to want, but is too bitter a pill to swallow’.
Well, I swallowed the pill, and it is indeed very bitter, very painful and causes profound grieving when you have a horrific trauma/abuse history, caused by those who were meant to do the opposite.
My counsellor thinks I will find something that will make this easier to deal with. Well, it won’t be choosing to believe lies. It won’t be making excuses for heinous child sex offenders/abusers and their choices. It won’t be blaming their mental health. It won’t be blaming their childhood.
I don’t believe anything will ‘appear’ – as a way to make this easier. The reality is all bad. I’m not going to rationalise how being abused as I have been, is in anyway good. It isn’t. It wasn’t. It should never have happened, and I didn’t deserve or need a single second of it.
I just hope over time, it gets less painful, less devastating, less suffering intense grieving.
And I just keep how I feel to myself now. People only want to hear the ‘good’ stuff. Not the truth.