Overall, things are pretty peaceful. As far as peaceful goes in my life. I have times of grieving, but on the whole, it’s pretty calm, pretty peaceful, pretty okay.
I’m trying not to expect something shitty will come along and screw it up. I realise I am not used to this. So, it feels weird. Feels a little concerning…. I realise this is not healthy thoughts. This is based upon fear, and the good ole PTSD issues of expecting the worst to happen. Understandably, because a lot of ‘the worst has already happened’. I’m sure there is a more technical psychology term for this fear of more (bad shit) coming. but right now I can’t remember it. And I can’t even be bothered to look it up.
Life has it’s usual issues occurring….. I still have PTSD symptoms, but they are managed. I am a parent…. of a teenager…. that is not easy, but I expect it to have it’s challenges. My husband is doing better on his medication and is easier to live with and I’m happy for him. People are still people and I still observe it all.
I have my children and our family life. I have some friends I spend time with. I have counselling and that seems better atm, since I spoke up about what I will and will not tolerate. I have my gardening. I have volunteering. It’s enough for me atm.
I’ve cut down on social media time and the less I put myself in situations where unhealthy issues/people occur, the more peaceful my life is.
Life is okay at the moment, and I hope it stays that way.
Having peace within, is not about not having any issues and challenges occurring, it is about how you handle/manage them and I have developed better skills/tools now.
I also accept I could not have had peace within me, whilst processing all the trauma/abuse. It isn’t possible to grieve that deeply, feel that much pain and feel peace.
My increasing peace now, is my hope that the bulk of the processing, is already done. I didn’t avoid it, ignore it, minimize it. I dealt with it. And I know that was the courageous path of strength.
It’s taken a lot of work, to get to this point, after all the horrendous processing. A lot of work on myself. Boundaries, self care, staying away from unhealthy issues/people. Growth, introspection, self honesty, honesty about the past, increasing EQ, meaningful focusses, picking battles wisely, self control, wise choices, inner strength, self worth, getting past other people’s issues quicker and not personalising them. As well as knowing as much as I do about the psychology of those who harmed me. Of people in general. It was inner and outer processing. All needed.
It is all worth it.
There is hope.
There is healing.
And I do realise, that whatever comes along as life continues to be challenging, I can handle it better, with more wisdom and emotional strength. And this will continue to grow. Because I am a willing student.