I used to have a great fear of relationships ending, and feel huge levels of grieving and loss. I would do anything to avoid that feeling of loss. I would people please, be a doormat, apologise for what I shouldn’t. Whatever was needed to keep the relationship going.
Now I don’t do any of that. I am okay with relationships ending that need to end. I can manage it far better.
My counselling has ended, my decision. I am surprising okay with it. I could no longer tolerate the ongoing underlying patterns of patronising, condescending, mocking, abuser excusing and victim blaming/shaming. I’ve dealt with too much of it now to ignore it. I’ve challenged it, I’ve stated what I won’t tolerate, I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve heard apologies and yet it continued. So, I ended counselling as I realise there is a point at which you know you need to give up and let it go. There is a lot I could write, but I’ve written it all before and I don’t feel the need to rehash it all.
I realise church people can be truly messed up and I see all their many cognitive distortions. I see how their church conditioning, sadly affects their minds and judgment. They think a lot of what they believe is compassion and wisdom, but it isn’t. Church people are notorious for abuser defending/protecting, victim blaming and shame shifting. It’s very limited depth of thinking, unwise, lacking in empathy, emotionally abusive and I see that, although many of them don’t.
I’m at that point in my life, where I really do not personalise other people’s issues any longer. I accept it hurts, I accept there is a level of grieving and sadness when a relationship ends, as that is normal. But, I am no longer consumed by it and can manage it well.
I am far better at handling other people’s issues now and just distancing myself from patterns of behaviour I can not accept, or tolerate in my life.
My life has taught me well, when you don’t distance yourself, you keep getting hurt.
I am a moth to the flame, no more.
And life goes on.